Sunday, July 20, 2008 ' 11:53 AM
2am in the morning and i got jolted up from my sleep, feeling the ultimate pain...
i hate this feeling..
every night i get this feeling...
i decided, just for one night i wanted to be strong so i didn't want to take any muscle relaxants, no sleeping pills for tonight and no over dosage of painkillers, no crying myself to sleep..
i just wanted to brace up rom the pain and i acted brave to stop all the usual thing i needed...
and guess what?
i didn't make it through the night..
i woke up at 2am in the morning, waking my sister from my cries of pains.
i hate all these... i really hate all these...
i kept telling myself i would be better, each night i went to sleep feeling optimistic that i would wake up feeling better but i'm always disappointed from the ultimate pains i feel the moment the sleeping pills wear off....
so who can tell me what to do? what should i do? what am i to do?????
when will i be healed?
when will i stop feeling pain?
i cannot talk, for one, that's already killing me.
i cannot eat, which human being can take it without eating anything solid at all for more than a wk??
i cannot sleep!!
the next thing u know, joyce, yes joyce ong is crying every night. trying to relieve from all these shit!
if you want to torture me like this, just take away me.
i've lost all energy and motivation and drive to keep myself going...
i know i have caring and concern family members and friends... i know everyone care and everyone is here for me... but it's something i cannot expect anyone to understand.. and it's not easy for me to spell out just what the hell is wrong....
i put up a brave front, trying not to let anyone worry for me but i'm losing all these drive....
probably mummy and mei know, it's been a full 2wks that they never see or hear my smiles or laughters... everyday they encourage me saying i would feel better tomorrow, but it never did happen...
or can i boldly ask, when will i wake up feeling less painful than yesterday?
i hate to say this but i can feel depression dauting on me, waiting to seep into me the moment i say i give up everything.... i'm hanging on because i think of the people who wou;d worry and care, i'm hanging on because part of me is to help people withdraw from depression and it'd be ironical for me to be a part of it... i'm hanging on also because i strongly believe in optimistic and i kept telling myself as long as i don dwell, i would be fine...
but i dunno how long more i can hang on....
i'm losing ALL energy... i'm losing ALL hopes... i'm losing myself....
♥dedicated compassion and loves.
