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Saturday, March 31, 2007 ' 10:58 AM


i don't know me, i don't know myself. i don't know what is going on in my mind, through my heart. stop asking me. i don't know, i don't know i don't know.
i need to vent. and here it shall be.
i don't know what is wrong with me. i don't know why i just cannot accept anyone, probably i just wouldn't let anyone into my private sphere, where i've been living rather happily, alone theoretically. it's been long since i've been into a relationship. say that i'm a coward, say that i'm just a scardey cat, but i have a true phobia. a real phobia of, relationships. i try to get to the inner problems of myself, it's definitely not the past, but the scars.
no one knows how deep that cut was, how bad the scar is, how much it hurt and bled. it's a scar that never seems to heal overtime. let me be very frank here, to everyone, i'm scared. i'm scared of losing anyone, scared of hurting people, and most of all, i'm scared of being hurt.
i don't believe fairytales happen, at least they will never happen on me. i see how my friends go hands in hands, i give them my blessings, and hope they last happily ever after. but this kind of scenarios wouldn't happen on me. how he left me after such a long relationship. it's been so long, i've gotten over him for good, but that scar lives in me, IN me.
i don't know what can help me get rid of this barrier, not that it's hindering me. just that i've been making things difficult, for people, and myself. i stood up on him today. i didn't do it on purpose. blame it on me that i have zero confidence that things would work out. blame it on me that i know he's going to bring the topic out tonight (for the sixth sense told me so). blame it on me that, i can't stop thinking it will eventually be just like any other tragic love stories, a break up.
i'm optimistic people said. give us a chance he said. how so? teach me. it's not that i don't like him, it's not that he's bad or anything. in fact he's really nice... i stood up on him yet he didn't even get impatient or angry, not the slightest bit... but is he gonna be so nice, even after a long long time? am i just being so paranoid?
what's the problem with me? omg. help.
maybe someone can just tell me, is it my problem?


♥dedicated compassion and loves.



Thursday, March 29, 2007 ' 6:24 AM


i'm up to three jobs now. i just accepted Rain darling's offer to help her friend run some admin jobs and telemarketing, three times a week, 6-10 each time. Pianoforte has to be only on saturday for these two weeks until i stop full -time work at pico when sch reopen. then i will have to decide if i wan the two jobs when sch reopen. maybe? i'm keeping myself real busy with work so that i don waste time and slack around.
actually, i'm happy now even though i'm busy. cos i feel life very fulfilling and i'm using time to the fullest. (: and when i'm working, it feels very happy to have get things done properly, and speaking to our clients and sponsors made me feel that i've learnt alot through this job, for it's going to help me through a long way. i like my jobs. and i'm starting to miss pianoforte cos it's been for long that i'm only working saturdays. i kinda miss the children. (:
lately, this song has been on repeat mode for all my travelling journeys to and fro from work to home.
[我怀念的]
我问为什么
那女孩传简讯给我
而你为什么不解释低着头沉默
我该相信你很爱我
不愿意敷衍我
还是明白你已不想挽回什么
想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受
我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手最暖的胸口
谁记得谁忘了
想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受
我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首
歌记得那片星空
最紧的右手最暖的胸口
谁忘了我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛
我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌最美的烟火
最长的相拥
谁爱得太自由
谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心
谁忘了那就是承诺
谁自顾自地走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔
我怀念的
我还有想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空
最紧的右手最暖的胸口
我放手
我让座
假洒脱
谁懂我多么不舍得
太爱了
所以我没有哭没有说
numbed, still numbed.


♥dedicated compassion and loves.



Tuesday, March 27, 2007 ' 8:18 AM


爱是怎么一回事
是哪一颗星星
掌管爱情的事
往哪个方向指
爱才能真实
你最近的样子
总是很多心事
你的爱就像是一个没说完的句子
没有人不会变
我已经懂事
但是请你真心的爱我一次
两个人的世界
原来不是那样子
爱这一次就可以解释
最后爱情是怎么一回事
两个爱过的人变得不认识
谁来急救没有感觉的彼此
我在你的心中没有了位子
到底爱情是怎么一回事
太多的故事
结局都是如此
在每一个没有星星的日子
往哪里指
都是你影子
i'm not being pessimistic, but that song spells everything of a relationship, the perfect scenarios of a couple getting into a r/s, getting out of one, and eventually they don't know each other anymore, just like strangers after all the stories they've been through. nobody remain unchanged.
that's love, that's life. (:
maybe i've turned steel, or turned stone.
numbed.
working working working, all over again.
pico, pianoforte. but i'm liking it this way, cos i'm occupied most of the time, and time flies. soon it will be school reopening.
and that would mean i get my pico pay! woohoo. hahhas.
i'm looking forward to income. (:
i miss ibsm, ibsm people. i miss china's cold weather, and i miss those days and nights where we hang around each other's rooms chatting the wee hours away. but to compare, i really would still prefer serve cambodia'05, and touch'06. these trips were those that we REALLY bonded, and really shared happiness and tears together. omg, i miss lesley six and i miss MY LOVELY SISTERS HUIQI, SAMANTHA AND ZHIHUA!
dinner soon?
oh, and i want to go for that june expedition, like... seriously.
yoga classes await me, for i've taken a month's break from it.
i think i miss canoeing, even though the last expedition kinda wore me out. hahahas..
darlings, canoe?
smile, for life's as short as we can see.


♥dedicated compassion and loves.



Sunday, March 25, 2007 ' 5:37 AM






















♥dedicated compassion and loves.



' 4:51 AM


yippee-ya-ya-yippee-yippee-ya~
i'm back!!! (: for quite some time already actually. but i was too tired to update.
now, here's the updates, bits by bits cos it's too long to say everything, let pictures do the talking when i get them (:
i love the trip, alot. Hong Kong and China are simply nice to shop shop shop! and china has more than rich cultures for us to learn and understand. people who knows me knows that i love histories, and those china histories that the tour guide explained and taught along the way, impressed me alot.
the trip made me changed perceptions of china people. the people there are not exactly as bad as we see them in singapore. that's probably those in singapore are more from rural and poor areas where education was lacking, and portrayed a totally wrong image of what china people have? the people there are actually quite nice in fact, especially in Guang Zhou, people are rather nice, in Zhong Shan as well, they are rather nice people. (:
i've learnt alot from the trip regarding international business, actually it dug out a hidden interest in me that i actually quite like business, in an oversea perspective. i really wont mind going to a country to learn about it's customs, laws, rules and regulations, their people and their culture, and venture a business. international business, as it's name sugests, is a complicating issue, and it's not only about money that can make u successful.
this trip also brought me great friends. bonds that are so precious. like denise and xhi ween (zhi wen) are my primary school mates, and we used to live so near each other, but this trip brought us closer to each other. there were so much to talk about princess elizabeth, from the school itself to it's teachers and principal, and all the memories, our common friends, so much to reminisice.
and that nicholas is my secondary school junior, and we only got tok now this during the trip.
isn't singapore small? it's fate, i believe, that bring us all closer.
not to forget about mentioning tze kee (zi qi) who is samantha's sec sch fren, and we got closer cos she asked if i know samantha, and she claimed that it was the best pick up line to start a conversation, and from there, we all got closer.
dickson, another fun loving guy... (:
xhi ween and i established this new company of ours, KSK pte ltd. (ki siao king pte ltd). we laughed n lamed n crapped till everyone had to ask us to shut up. we had the same frequency, just by looking at him makes me laugh, BIG TIME. WE ARE ALMOST CRAZY, laughing at everything we say and do... those k singing sessions, those crazy times where we talked n laughed so loudly in the HK public bus and got stared by an old lady n dickson, jasmine and zhe ying had to ask us to remain silent. we did, but we giggled at our own space. WE ARE SIMPLY CRAZY! and i like it. (:
it's really fast, that 12 days zoomed passed us. it's enjoyable, and i really learnt alot of things beyond what lectures and tutorials can teach. i also learnt that friendships dont come by easily so we have to treasure them.
oh, this is our (me, zhi wen and zi qi) favourite song during the trip and our k sessions.
原来你什么都不想要
我不要你的承诺
不要你的永远
只要你好好,久久爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好,贪心也好
哪个男人对爱不自私,不奢望
我不要你的承诺
不要你的永远
只要你真真切切爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好,贪心也好最怕你把沉默,
当做对我的回报
我知道这样不好
也知道你的爱只能那么少
我只有不停的要,
要到你想逃泪湿的枕头晒干就好
眼泪在你的心里只是无理取闹
依偎在你身后是我一辈子的骄傲
原来你什么都不想要
我不要你的呵护你的玫瑰
只要你好好久久爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好,贪心也好
哪个男人对爱不自私,不奢望
我不要你的承诺
不要你的永远只要你真真切切爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好,贪心也好最怕你把沉默,
当做对我的回报我不要你的承诺
不要你的永远
只要你好好久久爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好,贪心也好
哪个男人对爱不自私,不奢望
我不要你的承诺不要你的永远
只要你真真切切爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好,贪心也好最怕你把沉默,
当做对我的回报
原来你什么都不想要~
- i don't know me. -


♥dedicated compassion and loves.



Sunday, March 11, 2007 ' 9:27 AM


i'm flying off to hong kong at 8am later. will be back on 23rd march.
be ready for my return. (:
off i go, miss me, and i miss u all. loves.


♥dedicated compassion and loves.



Thursday, March 08, 2007 ' 5:08 AM


today is the last day of IBSM workshop. it was rather dry today, got our tshirt, there was briefing of what to do, and what not to do. jasmine and i was appointed to wrap the tokenS of appreciation for the companies we are visiting, there are a total of 20. the tokens came in so late, that we had little time to wrap and the whole entire group was waiting for us to finish wrapping so that they can each take one home.

the wrapping paper was such an odd size, the tokens were in such odd sizes that we really had difficulty trying to get it wrapped nicely and fast. so we manage to rope in our guys to help, and we learn that an operation line does help ALOT to speed things up! (:

we were dismissed rather early today. and so i decided to go find ying ying... and so i took 157 from shell bus stop, and there i went to meet her. she had hair extensions done, while xiao gu got hair cut. and so... i was SO tempted to cut my fringe, and i did!! photos below:








everyone says i look radiant with fringe and i look dull with my long fringe... is that so??



i think so. HAHAHAHHAS!

i like my new fringe, it's good to have fringe again! hahhahas =) i'm hyper, i dunno why. I FEEL GOOD! (:


-i dunno y. i really dunno why. oh no!-


♥dedicated compassion and loves.



Wednesday, March 07, 2007 ' 7:18 AM


i'm supposed to sleep early, and i did say goodbye to all my conversations in msn cos i wanna sleep... but i went net surfing, and came across this blogskin that i REALLY like. so... yupps, i did a new skin, and yupps, it's nice, and yupps, i like it, alot. (: it just says what i've always been wanting to say. it speaks of me (:
from now on, i'd add colors to my texts, and.. lovely (:
-virtual, keep it virtual.-


♥dedicated compassion and loves.



' 4:13 AM


IBSM, again. but it was fun though. groupmates are fun, everything is fine. hope it remains as it is till the trip begins, and the journey will be joyous. (: i'm really glad jasmine darl is with me for this trip, she's the best company. (: and also, the guys never fail to make jokes of the day. everything's good.

mr wong made us signed an exemption clause today, saying we shall eat chicken in china, at our own risk. HAHAHHAS. i dunno, it supposed to be a very serious matter but the guys made it sound like it's so funny. we've got the jokers(all four of them), two slow pokes (george & nicholas) and the big joker, benson.

yippeee-ya-ya-yippeee-ya~

-is it something virtual? or is it for real? i'm trying to tune in, trying.-


♥dedicated compassion and loves.



Tuesday, March 06, 2007 ' 4:18 AM


my heart goes out to all, suffering from the earthquake. may heaven and God bless the people in Indonesia. may God bless them.
we felt tremors from the earthquake in school today. we were all quite traumatised, but the remors we felt is definitely nothing compared to what the real magnitude was. it's the first time i felt tremors in singapore, we all felt the same. it's our first experience.

i cannot help but think, if we used to feel nothing at all for the past decades, n now we feel it at a richter scale of 6.6, so does that mean that the geographical location has somehow shifted that now singapore can get affected too? looking at the weather we are experiencing, i do think, something has changed, not on the bright side though.

sad things aside, on a lighter note.
IBSM was BUSINESS MANDARIN today. it's very very chinese, even someone who is VERY CHINESE LIKE ME, cannot take it. it's so chim, i felt i shouln't have got A1 in my O's chinese! there were dialouges, there were comprehension, lots and lots of translation of english to madarin, and vice versa. 现在我已情不自禁的,一直讲华语!!!i never knew tax benefits was known as 税务优惠 and bried report was 摘要简报。i swear i NEVER knew business madarin was so tough. OH! and that vouchers are 发票 and not 礼券 or 赠券!!! we even had to learn balance sheet, profit & loss statements, gross & net profits in chinese. i must say that gross profit is known as 毛利. did anyone knew this before hand? HAHAHHAHAS!
i'm fascinated, and amazed. i do like chinese, and i always have. now, it doesnt turn me away from chinese, but it just made me realise how poor i was when i thought i was fine with chinese. hahahhhahs!!

oh! and if anyone were to speak chinese, we would be penalised. there came a point where our group was supposed to answer the question, i knew one part of the answer was 仓储业 (which is supposed to mean storage but i thought was logistics). the tutor said the answer is right but she wants another part of the answer, which is logistics, in chinese. and logistics is 物流。we wanted to translate cargo to chinese, ALL of us had no idea.. and so Benson suggested it was 车走,in a joking manner. George actually replied: if cargo is 车走,then mango is 人走 lor!!??
omg! the whole group broke into hilarious laughter!! it's soooo damn funny at that point of time when we were all so stressed up trying to think of what cargo is.

i like my group mates, they are a fun loving bunch. they seem quiet, look quiet but when they ever speak, it's always hilarious. (:

tomorrow is the quiz, i think i'll have to read up abit on it, if not i might fail. hahahhas!
i'm looking forward to IBSM!!! (: i think i should start packing cos there's like so many things we needa bring. hahhas. i'm looking forward to jasmine dar's companion. my roomie for 12 days to come. (:

off i go. (:

-sometimes, i don't know if i'm just hanging on to something virtual, or it's just not the right time, not the right one. i just don't seem to be ale to tune in.-


♥dedicated compassion and loves.



Sunday, March 04, 2007 ' 3:46 AM


expedition-ed.
it was 18kn long from changi sea sports club to many places, around ubin, through the magrove swamps, then back to sea sports club.
i must say that it is REALLY TIRING, and the waves and sea wrecked havoc by steering my kayak rightwards, out to the sea and i had a hard time trying to navigate my canoe back in line...... tiring, but fun...
loves xia darling, ezah darling and yingtao.. i would say we had a great time, plus the instructors are really fun people to hang out with. there was this one point of time when i felt like i was breaking down in the middle of the sea, like there's no destination, no aims, and my kayak just isnt moving at all due to the current, this instructor tried entertaining me alot, but i din really answer cos i was really on the verge of giving up.
he kept reminding me that he could tow me back to shore, BUT i remembered how i was towed back during my one star course, and i felt so embarrassed, which i dont want it to happen again, so i persevered on.... and i'm rally glad i did it eventually, without being towed back. (:

we were tricked that we have to get out of our kayaks and climb over a fence, and me, xia and this guy named, edwin, were the first three in the queue... edwin was instructed to get off his kayak, climb up the fence, and the instructor at the other side of the fence would try to pulley his kayak over, and it will be likewise for all of us... at this point of time, we already passed our paddles over to the other side, so we could climb the fence... when EVERYONE'S paddles were passed to the other side, and edwin was off his kayak, and up on the fence, the instructor took a picture of him, and told us there's an opening to go over the other side. oh, what's worse? paddle with our hands, and it's NOT NEAR. hahhas. open sea with bare hands into the swamp area, it was fun, cos xia and i pulled n pushed, that's what i call friendship (:

all in all, we made it. and it's really fun... i like it. there's one more coming up in june.... 2days 1 night to the causeway.. hmmm... june.... i think i will have to really really cut down alot alot of my weight to make through this... just in case my arms are not strong enough to kayak my body.. HAHAHS! what's more? i need to be really light cos this expedition, we'd be paired with a partner gor the whole entire trip... hmmm... actually, i'm kinda looking forward to it... (: let's go darlings!
yippee!

one expedition clocked for 3 star pre-requisites. FOUR more to go. okie, WE REALLY HAVE TO PUT IN ALOT ALOT OF EFFORT. jia you darlings!! (:

- when will i have that kind of look? one look and pple will know.......- *ezah knows what i'm saying.. HAHAHHAHAS!! (:

i gotta go rest.. im REALLY tired...


♥dedicated compassion and loves.



Friday, March 02, 2007 ' 6:24 AM


IBSM then to work. nothing much, except that it was raining so heavily i was shivering the whole day. especially at pianoforte, it was freezing cold, it's like i'm frozen in a fridge. i really like the place alot, and most of all, i really like jan and angeline alot. and i like giving sweets to the little children everyday. even though jan always insist to pay for the sweets i buy, but i think it's really ok as i'm the one who REALLY love to give them the sweets and see their sweet sweet smile, together with those sweet thank yous. (: it just warms me alot. the children there are getting used to the fact that when they come for piano lessons, this lady sittin at the front desk counter will give them sweets, and now when i forget to entertain them with sweets, they would ask for it. hahhas. they are really a cute bunch. to be honest, i look forward to each day when i go to work, especially saturdays cos i've got angeline to keep me accompanied. i like it. time flies, it's the end of my second month there, while i'm away to china and hk, angeline will take over me. it'd be two weeks away. thanks girl.

iibsm workshop was great. today was alot more gelling together with our groupmates. everyone settles well in their own groups, and during lunch we din sit separately like we did yesterday. we: me, jas, benson, nicholas, guan hong, george & denise lunch-ed together. it was rather hilarious in some ways. and thanks nicholas for the drink (: i'd really like to know more of these people as we will really be sticking together all the way till may, when the project dues.

after work when i was on my way home, i met third aunt. hahhas... we had a short talk and she boarded the bus while i walked home. it was good, cos we always have endless things to talk about. she told me what are the to dos and not to dos in china. hahhas. (:

oh, and mr wong shared some really funny experiences he had over the past two ibsm trips.. where he got cheated money. i know we should sympathize for the fact that he got cheated, but the way he said was really funny. and the most funny thing is, he said,
' IF YOU SEE ANYONE PICKPOCKETING THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU, PLEASE DO NOT CONFRONT THEM! IF NOT YOU WILL GET INTO TROUBLE!!'
of cos that sounds logical, until guan hong popped a really hilarious question that made our whole group laughed. guan hong: what if he pickpocket-ed your friend????' he continued, 'keep quiet and let the pickpocket take the wallet. when ur fren realise then say i saw him ook ur wallet, but i cannot confront him.'
***laughs out loud***
it's true in a way, but it's just funny. and mr wong also said if we see anyone drop their things on the floor, being helpful singaporeans, we would pick up and return, but they would demand more~ as in they will say that we took parts of what we picked up for them. oh man...

we need to get many suits of formal wear... it's 12 days of formal wear.. ok, rather.. 11 days of formal wear.. mr wong said hong kong people wear real nice and neat for business functions, we are expected to wear nicely for any company visits, and we are to wear our blazers, casual with no jeans allowed. on wed after our workshop, i'm going to shop with jasmine for our formal wear. we only have two suits altogether.. one which we bought for our ocom presentation in year one.

sunday we are going for our kayaking expedition.. rain rain go away, come again another day...

i checked the weather forecast of hk and shen zhen.. it's gonna be 18 degrees celsius and rainy most of the times... alright... at home, the air con of mine has to be 22 or 23 sometimes 25, only cos joycie ongcie is super duper vulnerable to coldness... i think i might need 2 jackets over there. (:


♥dedicated compassion and loves.



Thursday, March 01, 2007 ' 2:58 AM


back home from IBSM workshop... supposed to meet yingtao for movie de, but then i'm just too lazy and tired, plus it's the blue season.. i just hate to go out when it's raining heavily, non-stop... and that song came into my mind again: show me the meaning of being lonely..
whenever it rains, i can't stop but feel soooo blue...

i think the ozone layer is gone for good. the sun eats into the skin and scorch like nobody's business when it feels like it. or it rains and rains like nobody cares. isn't it weird how the weather changes?

IBSM workshop was good today. met most of the people going. and we formed into our own project groups already.. jasmine darling and i, together with 4 other guys : guan hong, george, benson and nicholas. they seem a big bunch of fun people. jas and i both agree we like this group alot. (: we foresee more fun. oh yes, and there's wei xuan. priscilla, kezia, shirley, tiffany, whom i already know before the trip. gotta know a new fren, denise.

it's good all in all. tmr is another long day at the workshop. (:

i miss my darlings, alot. take care girls. (:


♥dedicated compassion and loves.







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January 2009

Friends!
Escapes:D

GR2
Jeerin.
Persis.
May.
Nelson.
yan darling.
Jenny darling.
xian darling.
xia darling.
ezah darling.
pauline.
ruey shan.
botak.
zhiyong.
eric khoo.
LohWC.
Gayathri.
Joyce Dearie.
Sister Qiz.
Sister Samantha.
Erika.
Jasmine.
Samantha.
Camen.
Belle.
Phionna.
CheryL.
Michi.
Stefanie.
Syaz.
Serve Cambodia
Serve Cambodia
Thong Kiat.
Jocelyn.
Dzul.
Kim.
JiSheng.

Start The Music
Music Playing:D


One More Day - Diamond Rio

Credits
Thanks To

Designer: Ohh-thlovee
Basecodes: Xinni
Image hosting: Photobucket
Image from: xx
Brushes: xoxo
Tagboard: Cbox
Music: Imeem
Others: x , x , x , x
Image edit from Adobe Photoshop 7.0