dear all,
i'm discharged from hospital, lesser in pain and am blogging to let the whole wide world know that i'm slowly recovering, no speedy recovery for me but i am grateful i'm healing.

i want to use a big bright font on this little space, to thank god, thank heaven, thank mother nature for giving me a very blessed life with everything and everyone i ever needed in my life...

when i was down, i saw how many people cared from their bottom of their hearts, gave me whatever they could, and they blessed my life with everything i will ever need. these are people i will never let go in my life and i am ME (a whole new, well and cared for ME) today for the presence of these people.
even if the medicine didn't work, even if the drips didnt flow in my body, even if there were nothing else doctors could do to save me, these people gave me the strength, the motivation, the determination to stnd up strong again. and they did it from their hearts and touched my heart, truly.

i'm going to list everything everyone because it meant so much to me, and it meant so much so that i'm never ever gonna let go of these people ever, no matter what...

1. my family. my WHOLE FAMILY. i love all of you. thanks for everything, thanks for going through these pains, and through all the difficulties...
thanks my grandmothers who worries for me most. thanks my aunties who goes through every detail with me.. thanks my sis for EVERYTHING, and thank my mum for letting me see how much a mother can do beyond everything.

2. MY FRIENDS.

Lixia: she was the FIRST to be waiting at the emergency department, waiting for me to be admitted, to be warded and everything. she was there almost everyday every minute for the first week of my hospitalisation. she made porridge, she bought whiteboard and markers for me so i could communicate with people without opening my ulcerted mouth. she bugged nurses to get things for me, she sat there string into air when i dozed off, she went through the most painful times with me at the initial stage... i thank her for everything and she's totally appreciated for everything because through these years, she never failed to stand by me....... I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Zixian: she also came almost everyday through the first week... she brought dvd player for me, she brought vcds for me so i wouldn't be bored... she sat there aimlessly just to be my companion... she came even though she had busy schedules at school... she helped drove my mum and sis home when it was late... she bought markers and refills for me when lixia's supply went down.... thanks for everything, my appreciation is beyond just words... I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Qiuyan (Venecia): thank you my dear for being the nurse's attendant on the first night of my pain... u didn't get turn off from the ugly sores on my buttocks but instead helped with the dressing... u helped applied medicine, u didn't get turn off by the disgusting way i gargle and u didn't turn away any looks from the sores i showed... again, anything everything is very very appreciated!!! I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Likim: she came down late nights after work, and asked her bf to send my family home because it was late.. she went through so many miles just trying to find a store selling porridge that was meant for just swallowing and i wont need to chew... she went through everything and showed her true concerns every night by sms-ing me and making sure i was healing day by day... I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Ulrica: she came with her lovely sunshine smile and ensured that i would be fine, be great, be good and i'd be in shape again to enjoy food like we always did.. she told me i would get well and then next year we'd be travelling to taiwan for shopping and food! I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Loh WC: my sister, my buddy.. who came on the first night and then said it was really stuffy for me and it's no good for ventilation... and then the very next day, he brought a brand new portable fan with multi purpose plug to the hospital so that i won't be stuffy and hot!!! i'm more than just touched. I LOVE YOU BUDDY!!!

Jenny: Thanks darling for making time out of ur busy times to see me.. she encouraged me with looking forward to going to lau pa sat for our big feasting again..... cockles, rojak, wings, everything!! thanks for everything darling. I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Kailin: my dearest girl who always spurs me on with shopping trips and feasting.... she promised a shopping trip so i could really look forward (: I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Pauline: i haven seen this dear girl for ages and when she saw me, i was lying on that hospital bed! the next time we meet, i don wan to be 'cui'... thanks for coming down even though u had endless work to do.. u're really relly appreciated.. misses!!!

JiSheng: the one with crushed rub cage and still never fail to accompany lixia to entertain this sick patient. thanks bro! (:

FAEZAH: I MISS YOU MY DEAREST BOO!!!! I KNOW HOW WORRIED U'D BE WHEN U KNOW THE NEWS SO I MADE SURE I DIDN'T TELL U.. I DON WAN U TO FEEL WORRIED AND U JUST STARTED SEMESTER! I'LL BE FINE AND STRONG. ur sms-es boost my motivation everyday... I MISS YOU, I JUST MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! loves.

yeo ah kee: my ah kee came and told me one good motivation to move me on... ferrero rocher has this new dark chocolate, that does NOT contains nuts!!! i love u ball (:

sua: u came with ur vibrnce and smiled as bright as the sunflowers u girls brought.. i love u sister! (:

YuHong: my dearest bro who came with ribena and cheesecake! the ribenas were my energy booster for 2days because i cant eat solid food.. and welll, the nice strawberry cheesecake were consumed with happiness by my sister. roars!! thanks bro, for everything!!! (:

Lao Da: needless to say more, the one who came whenever he could, and making sure i was ok. always the one caring for me, making sure even when he went tioman someone would take good care of me. he told me to contact ah ho when he's away and he made sure he came to see me the moment he reached singapore from tioman. LAO DA, thanks for everything, loves!!!

Nizam: my dearest bro who never fail to make my day bright... his smiles, his jokes his nonsense, his everything keeps me going. thanks bro... for coming right after the tioman trip... u guys touched me!! loves...

Ah Ho: the one who came almost everyday, and stayed late every night. thanks bro, FOR EVERYTHING!!! i think my mum really likes you for the everything u did.. hahaha... thanks buddy! i appreciate you alot (:

Darren: this brother here also made the trip down right after the tioman trip... touched touched!! thanks for everything, and i love u guys, for everything...

Yeong Sen: he lost his smiles and jokes when he saw me lying on that bed... i could see from his eyes he wanted badly for me to quarrel with him and hit him hard on his chest so that he could smack me hard on my arms... thanks buddy, for showing me how much u really cared, ur sms-es made me smile everyday.. loves (:

Chin Nan: thanks for EVERYTHING (:

Yingtao: thru ur packed schedule and duties, u managed to squeeze time to come and visit me and sent my family home without asking and u always have a different way of showing concern. i appreciate you for whatever u did... thanks darling, for everything. loves (:

my colleagues: thanks for everything, every encouragement, every words counts... and thanks for the flowers, tonics, bird nest, honey, everything and everything. especially thanks to my GL. steph, u make working life wonderful, u gave me encouragement beyond words that can ever describe.. LOVE U!!

my classmtes: the whole class sent well wishes and a hamper... especially thanks to kelly who was there at the hospital when i fainted in the toilet. u were of gretest help to my sister then. and thanks for the encouraging books... thanks for all the classmates who came to visit me throughout the days... u all made a difference to my motivation and my drive to move on.. thanks everyone, for everything.

i also just wan to thank anyone, everyone who stood by me through all these pains... i'm feeling better, and i will go on strong...

with loves,
joyce

but i'm really grateful for supportive family and friends

2am in the morning and i got jolted up from my sleep, feeling the ultimate pain...
i hate this feeling..
every night i get this feeling...
i decided, just for one night i wanted to be strong so i didn't want to take any muscle relaxants, no sleeping pills for tonight and no over dosage of painkillers, no crying myself to sleep..
i just wanted to brace up rom the pain and i acted brave to stop all the usual thing i needed...
and guess what?
i didn't make it through the night..
i woke up at 2am in the morning, waking my sister from my cries of pains.
i hate all these... i really hate all these...
i kept telling myself i would be better, each night i went to sleep feeling optimistic that i would wake up feeling better but i'm always disappointed from the ultimate pains i feel the moment the sleeping pills wear off....
so who can tell me what to do? what should i do? what am i to do?????

when will i be healed?
when will i stop feeling pain?
i cannot talk, for one, that's already killing me.
i cannot eat, which human being can take it without eating anything solid at all for more than a wk??
i cannot sleep!!
the next thing u know, joyce, yes joyce ong is crying every night. trying to relieve from all these shit!

if you want to torture me like this, just take away me.
i've lost all energy and motivation and drive to keep myself going...

i know i have caring and concern family members and friends... i know everyone care and everyone is here for me... but it's something i cannot expect anyone to understand.. and it's not easy for me to spell out just what the hell is wrong....

i put up a brave front, trying not to let anyone worry for me but i'm losing all these drive....
probably mummy and mei know, it's been a full 2wks that they never see or hear my smiles or laughters... everyday they encourage me saying i would feel better tomorrow, but it never did happen...
or can i boldly ask, when will i wake up feeling less painful than yesterday?
i hate to say this but i can feel depression dauting on me, waiting to seep into me the moment i say i give up everything.... i'm hanging on because i think of the people who wou;d worry and care, i'm hanging on because part of me is to help people withdraw from depression and it'd be ironical for me to be a part of it... i'm hanging on also because i strongly believe in optimistic and i kept telling myself as long as i don dwell, i would be fine...
but i dunno how long more i can hang on....
i'm losing ALL energy... i'm losing ALL hopes... i'm losing myself....

i have this sudden urge to blog about food.
i've drinking cereal and plain porridge and nothing else for the past 2 weeks and i'm sooooooo sick of it already...
and then i'm suddenly thinking of the following:

1) COCKLES with chilli
2) bbq chicken wings
3) laksa with no tau pok and more cockles
4) mee siam with extra chilli!
5) fried oyster egg with super alot of chilli
6) dry mee pok
7) manhattan fish market seafood platter
8) imperial treasure xiao long bao
9) char siwe bao
10) fish head curry
11) satay!!!
12) swensens' crayfish pasta
13) sushi
14) frosted chocolate mat
15) secret recipe's banana chocolate cake
16) cafe cartel's st louis pork ribs
17) ajisen's volcano ramen
18) ice monster's mixed fruit ice
19) unagi don
20) dry prawn bee hoon with sambal

YUMMMMMY.
i'm just dreaming of all these...
sighs.

thanks everyone for your concern.
i'm on the road to recovery, not speedy but slowly..
but it's ok..
await my smiley return someday.
missing everyone!

i'm in pain.
i just need some relief from the pain and i can be the happy and confident me again.
sorry i have been really blue and down and i don look my usual self.
i cut off ties from the world to recuperate.
i feel more sad than ever, now at this very moment.
because i dunno what can help me relief this unbearable pain and discomfort.
ulcers. cores. ulcers. sores.
no food, n laughters, no smiles, i cannot even talk properly!!! nothing but ulcers and sores.
doctor gives painkillers, medicine, painkillers, medicine.
take more blood and only blood for more tests and only tests...
the results are always telling me i'm ok i'm fine...
then where does all these pains come from???
can anyone just tell me that I WILL BE FINE???
i'm not far from shizo but somewhere near depression.

aloha!
i'm back. only because, number 1, i'm down, yes again.
with ulcers, and yes they love me for whatever reason i do not know.
and number 2, i'm bored because i've got 2 days MC on hands.
actually, i had 3days, but i had my passion and being a rather workaholic, i went to work on the first day of my MC, and then on my 2nd day, which is today, everyone in office shoo me home.
i love my work mates. they can be one of the nicest people around and caring right from the heart.
well, thinking of what department and what field i come from, that should be quite the case: healthcare. hahaha!

i'm not happy, i'm not sad. i'm just rather down because i'm really in pain.
and then i've missed so many lessons in school i'm afraid i need to do a derferment for this semester. i hope the school does an exception case for me, i'm appealing.
well, if not... i'll be going to think of some other alternatives, like joining my bestest friend in melbourne and go to la trobe for good. hahaha! that's my dream, my hopes. (:

i apologise for the depressing entry i had previously, but i was really upset. over things that i do not know how to put into words... i should be fine when i feel better without the ulcers i guess?

i probably just need to sleep my hrs away and make my MC worthwhile for resting well, and be socially responsible like what stephanie and ernest like to say. talking about this, i really want to thank steph, uncle paul, aileen ernest, colyn, candice and elaine. they are the ones who really showed that extra mile of care. making sure i've reached home safe, making sure i had lunch and thanks for everything else. u guys make the workplace worthwhile even though we fight endless wars... (:

everyone please pray and hope for my speedy recovery.. because i think i'm losing my shine, my happiness, my laughters, my smiles day by day because of these endless ulcers episodes that i get more than often... :(

i hate to say this...
but nobody can ever look at me into my eyes and really know who i am,
know what i need,
and know what i really need is also someone to care for me,
truly from the heart.
nobody will ever look at me in my eyes..
nobody.

joycie
friends and family make me complete.
anything with the sun and sea makes me happy
dark chocolates.sunflowers. dedicated unconditional love and care
"Yet doe I feare thy Nature, It is too full o' th' Milke of humane kindnesse."

Bachelor of social work (not an easy path but it will work out, 6/6 to go!)
Japan
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there's nothing i want more than world peace.

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One More Day - Diamond Rio

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