Saturday, March 31, 2007 ' 10:58 AM
i don't know me, i don't know myself. i don't know what is going on in my mind, through my heart. stop asking me. i don't know, i don't know i don't know.
i need to vent. and here it shall be.
i don't know what is wrong with me. i don't know why i just cannot accept anyone, probably i just wouldn't let anyone into my private sphere, where i've been living rather happily, alone theoretically. it's been long since i've been into a relationship. say that i'm a coward, say that i'm just a scardey cat, but i have a true phobia. a real phobia of, relationships. i try to get to the inner problems of myself, it's definitely not the past, but the scars.
no one knows how deep that cut was, how bad the scar is, how much it hurt and bled. it's a scar that never seems to heal overtime. let me be very frank here, to everyone, i'm scared. i'm scared of losing anyone, scared of hurting people, and most of all, i'm scared of being hurt.
i don't believe fairytales happen, at least they will never happen on me. i see how my friends go hands in hands, i give them my blessings, and hope they last happily ever after. but this kind of scenarios wouldn't happen on me. how he left me after such a long relationship. it's been so long, i've gotten over him for good, but that scar lives in me, IN me.
i don't know what can help me get rid of this barrier, not that it's hindering me. just that i've been making things difficult, for people, and myself. i stood up on him today. i didn't do it on purpose. blame it on me that i have zero confidence that things would work out. blame it on me that i know he's going to bring the topic out tonight (for the sixth sense told me so). blame it on me that, i can't stop thinking it will eventually be just like any other tragic love stories, a break up.
i'm optimistic people said. give us a chance he said. how so? teach me. it's not that i don't like him, it's not that he's bad or anything. in fact he's really nice... i stood up on him yet he didn't even get impatient or angry, not the slightest bit... but is he gonna be so nice, even after a long long time? am i just being so paranoid?
what's the problem with me? omg. help.
maybe someone can just tell me, is it my problem?
♥dedicated compassion and loves.
