philosophically me.

2009-01-27T22:32:00.000-08:00

my life starts afresh with the new year and my blog has since been transported to
http://missjoycieong.blogspot.com/
enjoy.

2009-01-21T07:19:00.001-08:00

sometimes, when there's just too much to say, it becomes ironic because you have nothing much to say. or u just simply become too overwhelmed. sighs..

2009-01-17T06:04:00.000-08:00

some really outdated photos i was too lazy to upload.

there are more to come!! hahahaha

i have tons of pics in my cam waiting to show....

hmmm... i had a wonderful, terrific afternoon at the settler's cafe with my old buddies for our 10th anniversary class gathering. although only 8 of us (kim, ulrica, xia, ezah, rong can, chia yam ,jason and me) were there, i think we all had a wonderful time altogether. nice food, nice people plus really nice games. lovely bonding. more please! pics to be up later.

my com is like a snail and my lappy like a turtle.

2009-01-15T05:02:00.000-08:00

i decided living life fullest can make me a better being.
sch is going to start soon and mon & thurs nights are occupied.
wed & fri evenings shall be gym-ing.
sat noons shall be learning hip hop. HAHAHA! well, i know this is sudden, but i've got a kaki to join with me, so... why not? i'm gonna look retarded but it's fine, i'll overcome it.
fri & sat evenings for my dearset friends,
sun will be swimming and then meditating at home (:
tues shall be rest day...

doesnt all these sounds good?

when sch hits, time will be precious for assignments, tutorials, and revision... then when hip hop class hits in and finishes after 8 sessions, malay lessons sounds appealing or some kickboxing will be fun?

thank you GL stef for everything (:

im looking forward to 10th anniversary gathering this sat. lovely. i loveeee soooo many precious sec sch old mates who stood by me for these past 10 years! time flies!!! one wink and we're all 10 years older. a decade past by us in a gust of wind! let's enjoy sat's gathering!

i don know what is the best way to say goodbye, i don know how i will be able to deal with two goodbyes in 2 consecutive weekends in feb.

2009-01-14T10:17:00.000-08:00

bits and pieces.
crushed.

2009-01-14T00:25:00.001-08:00

leave me wishing still.. one more day with you :(

2009-01-13T04:26:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didnt ask for money
Or a mansion in malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe Id be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

First thing Id do, is pray for time to crawl
Then Id unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
Id hold you every second
Say a million I love yous
Thats what Id do, with one more day with you

One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe Id be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you

Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day

2009-01-11T07:10:00.000-08:00

it's getting all too overwhelming for me... all too saddening and all too nauseating for me to handle... it flips my stomach upside down when i see more and more girlfriends gets into that same league...
it gives me this nausea feeling, this butterflies effect in my stomach, this totally sick feeling, and it makes me constantly want to choke my heart out to check if it's pumping right...
more and more players in the game called love and gets thrashed and only seeing 'GAME OVER' flashed all over. getting all sick and all too weak handling the game over, and turning all weird and speaking all weird...
does relationships always end up being complicated?
can there be something simpler?
if there isnt then i'm staying OUT of it, forever.

u told me you know me all too well. how well? JUST HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW ME? how can someone knows me all too well to miss something so obvious. sick.

it's going to be a very blue week for me. i just hope work is going to overwhelm this all too overwhelming feelings rushing in every stream of my blood.

2009-01-01T07:20:00.000-08:00

happy new year 2009!

2008 had been a big huha for me, loads of ups and downs, loads of lessons learnt.
i graduated from poly, i joined the workforce, i chose a job i loved and still loving... i made decisions on going to uni sim to continue my studies, i decided that social work is what i'd really like. ezah went melbourne for her studies, i felt alone for a while, and she came back... i was hospitalised, and i came to know how much the people around me means to me, and how much i should treasure them cos they walked me through the tough times. i met new people in life, i met someone soooooo unique, and we could click almost instantly, and we became best of friends, more than just a colleague, my GL, stephanie. and then i found someone so dearest from work, someone always so caring and always there for me, colyn. someone who hears me out and shares, dodo-aggie. and then there are so many many nice colleagues around, each day i feel brighter cos we work harmoniously and we share the same passion and dream...
and then there are my old friends, sharing moments and times, sharing love and laughters. here's thanks to ezah, lixia, likim, ulrica, loh wc, yan, kailin, jenny, zixian,for walking thru all those tough and painful times with me during the darkest times of the past year. and cheers to our 10th year friendship!
and then thanks to lovely ones like huiqi (ah kee the other ball) and zhihua (flower), for all the times and laughters we all never fail to share.. all the times spent worthy and thanks for walking with me through the pains...
and then there are of course my jewels laoda, yingtao, nizam and chin nan... thanks for everything everything, no words to describe.
especially thanks to laoda for always being a big big brother...
i made new friends like seline, yeong sen, ah ho, tao siang, darren... who are great companions.

i travelled to bangkok twice, i've been to redang, went to genting with qin and nancy for the first time, travelling wasnt as good this year but it will be better.

i've learnt much in 2008, i'll look forward to a better 2009.

i had an unique countdown this year. yingtao and i countdown in our respective toilets at causeway point. we sent greetings in the toilet and then yay! happy new year, ta-da that's it. hahahaha. we watched ip man, we had a simple supper/dinner, we had the most simple and most different countdown. i'm blessed.

happy 2009

2008-12-29T23:30:00.000-08:00

my blog is now officially VRE ALERT!

2008-12-29T23:23:00.000-08:00

i had a great weekend!
saturday was simple dinner at bukit panjang.. and then sunday was a great day hanging out together with ezah!!!!
it was a chill out day with loads of titbits, loads of laughs, watched the coffin and saw 3!!!
all gruelsome but fun just being a potato couch! (:
more of these will make me a much happier being.

finally settled everything for SIM. like, finally.
it's not an easy path to walk, but it will work out fine eventually.
i will persevere, i will have strong determination!
lovely. i'm another small step to my big big dream!

wait for my resolution! hahaha.
anyway, i just wanna thank people around me who has always been encouraging me thru these bad and rocky and tired times, and thanks to colleagues who make things wasier at work when it's all tooo stressful.

2008-12-25T17:14:00.001-08:00

and so merry christmass is all over and let's look forward to the next episode,
happy new year.
christmas was alright, to me it was just another occasion, nothing much but ptobably cos of the blues i've been getting, this year's christmas seems to be blue too...
one year passed just like that, in a glimpse.
the best presents i've got were from likim and ulrica, hahahahaha! thanks girls!
what's up for new year girls???

i'm looking forward to a new phase of life, a new year ahead of me, more dreams to be achieved, more things to strive for. yearn to be a better being. :)

let's all look forward with more resolutions of the year, and one on top of my list, is to be happier :)

2008-12-22T16:33:00.000-08:00

i am NOT emo.
i'm just down :(

2008-12-21T17:09:00.000-08:00

i think i just need to be alone,
to peace out,
and to sort out overwhelming feelings and thoughts...

i don always need fancy parties or crazy partying..
i'm missing time when i could sit and chill and let the clock tick by,
those mellow times watching dvds, watching movies,
munching titbits, drinking hot chocolate...

faezah, WHEN??

hmmm..........
i want a mellow christmas this year, please?

2008-12-21T00:44:00.000-08:00

等待是否是一种温柔？
放手又是否也是成全你的温柔？

2008-12-19T05:05:00.000-08:00

peek-a-boo!!!
it's been some time since i last blogged.
time for some updates from me about my very boring life.
nothing exciting, nothing interesting, nothing very much actually.
it must have been PMS. i've been feeling either blue or black or grey.
my favourite colours yellow, orange, green fade away into the background of black emerges above all.

been hiding well and keeping myself to just myself very well.
for the first time in 2 decades i've learnt how to keep certain feelings just to myself, not showing, not saying, not sharing. i came to learn that not everything can be shared? and not everyone can just understand how you feel and think.... not that i want to keep things to just myseld and feel the ups and downs within myself, but i thought it would be good if it's sealed forever, unspoken, unforgotten...

i forgot to blogged about this previously. this year's borthday was splendid. i had different groups of celebrations, each a surprise. particularly surprised me was a phone call from someone so unpredictable.

'hello, may i speak to ms. joyce please?'
'yes, speaking. this is?'
'hi, i'm calling from starhub, tmr is your birthday right?'
'ermmmm.. ya.... and....?'
'we're giving you a voucher for you to upgrade your handset.'
(puzzled!!!)
'BUT I'M NOT A STARHUB USER!!'
' i know~ hahahahahahaha~'

that laughter came, sending a feeling sooooo familiar, soooo near yet sooooo soooooo far. i knew immediately who it was. he also assumed i knew who he was, even though i really did know who he is.

andrew.

what a surprise. but somehow i appreciated that very much. he never did forget my birthday and never failed to wish me every year. sometimes, thinking bad, how could we have go on for 4 good years with such huge upas and downs, and leaving each other puzzled about our feelings for each other. hahahaha. how young we were. not knowing what exactly what love is, what a relationship really means. but of course, he's someone who REALLY did know me well... and i guess he still did.. and i'm glad we kept our friendship going. and we also did conclude we were much better off as friends....

and then i thought i should reflect, and sometimes i think.... many a times, probably a couple should just remain as very good friends so there are lesser conflicts? lesser pains?

说着让人伤心的话你还是温柔
忽然感觉一切都是如此的荒谬
当夜色慢慢落成一片漆黑在你背后
当我说出你最想要的分手
你也有你的好对我来说却不够
而我的青春不该只是等着你回头
做你的情人
不如做你最好的朋友
最后给你的爱是你想要的自由
爱的代价有苦有乐这一次啊
对爱有多些了解
虽然要把苦与痛都忘记要经过好久
我不怪不愿你
爱也曾经美丽
爱的代价我付出了
放你去吧对爱又多些了解
一定有个人会在这世界
只为我等候
看天空是那么宽
不再低着头的我要往前走

isn't it true? so true.

actually, i really don't mind being single and happy, rather than being coupled up and feel the kind of pains i see people face and deal with every single day. paranoia overwhelms me.

oh... on a lighter note... there are so many things i wanna do and learn!!!
i'm gonna start my degree really soon. hurray!!!
i'm going to sign up these courses one by one:
sign language
basic knitting
malay language

let's all live life to the fullest while we can!! :)

i wanna watch twilight!!!!
edward, here we come!

2008-12-09T16:29:00.000-08:00

good morning 22!
thanks ezah, likim and ulrica for the sumptuous meal last night!
and thanks for the really practical present that i guarantee chop need to use!!!! hahahahaha!
u girls rock. u're appreciated! :)
been eating alot for my birthday celebration, but i'm really loving it!
im looking forward to this evening where i will have dinner with mum, sis, and my 'boyfriends' :):)

yay!
welcome 22. according to likim, we are welcoming adulthood!
hahahaa

2008-12-08T03:08:00.000-08:00

for the past few days:
Standard Chartered Run 10km,
crab dinner (yes. again) at nan's place
shopping with lao da.
a surprse dinner treat from my lovely colleagues :)
let my pictures speak on behalf of me.

that's me and my god-daughter!!! :)

isnt she cute???? with loves.

he finally got what he's been looking for.

vienna treat/surprise from my lovely colleagues. thanks for everything guys, i must say it's the first surprise i ever had in my life! :) thanks all.

GL rocks! Dodo rocks! (:

yums.

2008-12-01T22:32:00.000-08:00

fat+ugly.
poor complexion.
out of shape.
others are flowers, while i'm a housefly.
how sad.

2008-11-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

welcome home, ezah! :)
i love my god daughter, baby keryn!
my god, she's one god's sent gift.
we all love her, our weekends are now more colorful with her presence. hahaha.

lao da, chin nan and i had supper last night.
we had dinner at jin lee's place, jin lee cooked. home cooked dishes just tasted better than hawker food. hahaha. we were blessed.
the supper was good, it was tooooo filling but i loved it. hahaha.

monday, yet again.

2008-11-28T08:09:00.000-08:00

read aggie's blog and had the same kind of nostalgia feeling.
how come some friendships and some relationships just cannot stay the way they were? sometimes, i just wish some people will stay forever, but things arent always the same. things change over time, and people change over time. situations change, friendships change, everything just change.
some people comes closer, some people drift apart.
saddening but sometimes we know some friendship just stay the same even though the distance drifts further. but how can we say a friendship stays the same when there are distance? how irnonic.
but i told aggie, some new people come into our lives and brighten out lives every now and then, but old ones still somehow stay in our lives, like always. well, thats rather true.
at least, for me... i know i have LOADS of wonderful, fantastic, fabulous friends around me, and i met more new ones when i joined the workforce. stephanie, aggie, colyn, uncle paul, aileen. people who are there EVERYDAY, brightening my days. but i also have my dearests bunch, brightening my life, every second (:
sometimes, this nostalgic mood just hits me hard.
im not emo, really. i am just thankful for the people im blessed with.

i am another BIG step towards my BIG BIG dream!
accepted into Bachelor of Social Work, got the study award.
everything is falling into place nicely and grateful for the fact that i've chosen this path, and stayed with it, and will still stay on till my dreams come true someday one day(:

good morning, dream!
good night, dream (:

met kim and ulrica for dinner at city hall, had shokudo and aenis.
it's the company i guess. everything seems wonderful today.
yumsicals.

ezah is finally coming back, and im finally going to give her a big bear hug and say HELLO as loudly as i can, and plan all the craziest thing on earth, and watch horros and do EVERYTHING under the sun TOGETHER! my weekends will be much more colorful than ever, EVER, for the next 2 months. hip hip hurray!

i didn't know letting go of something can be this carefree. i also didnt know that hanging on could be that painful. it felt really painful when you let go, but it feels really grateful that you'd let go. for the first time in many many many many many months, i'm feeling this feeling of freedom and i breathe the air i breathe and do the things i do for MYSELF. no longer feeling taken for granted or no longer feels manipulated. it feels especially good when u feel u love urself more than anything else now rather than loving something or someone else more than u love urself. sometimes, letting go is the greatest love of all.

2008-11-27T07:03:00.000-08:00

another small step to my big dream :)
each day i'm waking up, greeting good morning to my big dream.
someday it will come true.

"Yet doe I feare thy Nature, It is too full o' th' Milke of humane kindnesse."

2008-11-24T18:05:00.000-08:00

i hate to be in dilemmas.
and lao da is right. i'm ALWAYS in dilemmas in sooo MANY different situations.
why should i always be caught in situations?
i can have my own choice and i can always choose NOT to be caught in situations.

im freed.

2008-11-24T01:44:00.000-08:00

lovely thailand, lovely Bangkok, lovely Khao San.
let the pictures talk.
more pics to come when zam and lao da send them to me :)

at the massage place
in the plane back home.

massage preview.

some river along prattunam

nicest photo of all, because i met my prince(s) charming in Bangkok!!!! lovely! hahaha

in public bus number 50 from Khao San to MBK

scorpions that zam wanted to try but no one wants to try with him :P

we tried grasshoppers and maggots though :X

my favourite cockles!!!!!

in the plane on our way to Bangkok.

act cool lao da! hahaha

i snipped off my hair in Khao San. pictures to be up when i upload them. lao da dyed and snipped his hair at the very same salon. we left satisfied, spending our last 2hrs in Khao San worthy.

more laterrr.

2008-11-16T17:58:00.000-08:00

morning all,
welcome the monday blues, yet again.
i haven forget self care but i'm losing it.
i'm breaking down, i think..
but i'm still in control, for NOW.

2008-11-14T00:07:00.001-08:00

i feel like crap, seriously.
i just cant feel more blue than now.

2008-11-10T02:38:00.000-08:00

我想要的那片天空你是不是能够给我 ?
back from a small getaway.. lovely (:
thought through alot during the long bus journey.. first time travelling away from my comfort zone... a big chance to think through so much, i'm glad i had some stuffs sorted out, and some still remain so stuck, as ever...

ROARS...

thanks lao da for always taking the extra mile of effort for me (: i appreciate you, for everything...

爱情是一道伤口我们各自苦痛 ...

2008-11-04T17:45:00.000-08:00

FRUSTRATIONS!!!!!!!!!
if i could yell my lungs out, i would.
if i could scream my heart out, i would.
if i could just be quiet for the rest of the day, rest of the month, i would.

i know where i stand... and i might just be not good enough for anything, everything.

2008-11-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

if i say i am no emo kid, i'm stating a lie.
frustrations+emotions+stress+all the words left unsaid and strandled.
FRUSTRATIONS!

thank gooness for the return of GL to work! :) ur presence makes everything else perfect. hahaha!! :)
i'm counting down to 29th nov, 9.30pm.
ezah's return will make life less frustrated. hahaha.

ur presence in my life makes everything worthwhile, but painful...

2008-11-02T16:45:00.000-08:00

good morning monday blues.

2008-10-22T18:21:00.000-07:00

moshi moshi...
i am feeling gloomy... everything i hear this morning made me felt so gloomy and made me feel really blue...
sometimes, most people just don know how fortunate we are... how comfortable and how blessed we live each day, still complaining about life.
how much we grumble about our very fortunate lives?
i want to proudly say that i am blessed, and for all the things i've heard this morning, i want the same blessings that i have to be spread to people who needs it too (:

i enjoyed my last weekend to the max. saturday was department retreat, and we all went to bottle tree park. prawn-ing was fun! and sunday's zoo trip made me a happier being (:
photos to be up later when i am more free...

this coming weekend would be a longer weekend, and i can have fun fun and more fun.
saturday i'm going to meet my dearest, xia.
and i'm gonna have dinner feast with the usuals...
sunday would be another adventure at the forest adventure with zam and lao da...
monday would be......... i don know what, cos i haven had got plans. haha...

for a gloomy working thursday, i wanna thank my dearest colleagues for brightening my day with their presence (:

2008-10-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

i feel that i'm nearing my passion by a small little step :)
one small step at one time, one big dream at the end.

2008-10-10T18:07:00.000-07:00

we went st james last night...
not fun i would say. if only it were the right people only.
roars....

woke up feeling so blue.
probably cos i have to work on a saturday, but it felt more than that.
i was sobbing over songs playing in my mp3.
probably it's that high-low effect ezah always said i have...
like i am super high this moniute and then the next minute i will be low, and crying while i type my blog.
right girl? awww man, i miss you soooo much. if only i have you here, then probably i would be sobbing lesser. when are u gonna come back man?!
i'm counting down.

sometimes, love just ain't enough...
there's a danger in loving somebody too much, and it's sad when you know it's their heart you cant touch.
there's a reason why people don stay where they are...
really, sometimes love just ain't enough...

sometimes i wondered if i could turn back time knowing back then that i was getting myself into such troubles. sometimes i wondered if there is a chance to turn back time rewinding things to make sure they hadn't happened. sometimes i just wonder if i could just let go and be carefree once more...

maybe i can...

2008-10-07T20:20:00.000-07:00

有时候望着你，让我觉得什么都是值得的。
有时候看着你的眼睛，我觉得一切都会是值得的。。。
有时候，只要看到你的笑容，我就可以为你无怨无悔。。。
可是，为什么我渐渐地觉得一切都将随着时间的流失而改变，我将渐渐失去你？
其实我从来都不奢望有什么回报，更没有期望过你对我承诺。
我只要可以一直静静的站在你身边，静静的为你做一切的一切我就很满足。
可是，随着时间一天天过去，我却渐渐地觉得。。。。
我静静站着的，不是你身边，而是你后面。我永远都在追着你的脚步，永远都不会在你左手边。永远都只能这样的静静追着。。
我就只能是个静静的，透明的小人物。
或许你的表达方式就是与众不同，可是这种与众不同可能就只是我安慰自己的方式。
或许我爱的是你这种冷漠，可是这种冷漠却让我，
觉得很痛。。。很痛。。。。

总在泪冰凉以后才能感觉心好痛
是我导演这场梦骗自己去生活
站在慌乱人海中擦肩而过的冷漠
谁会欢笑谁会悲伤我都不在乎
欺骗自己同情自己偶尔恨自己
爱不就自私不然就别奢求
但我只想知道你是否曾爱过我
我不该问我不该求
明知道这一切都怪我
今晚我只想听到你亲口说爱我

只想听到你亲口说爱我。。。。。（就多一次好吗？）

2008-10-06T07:40:00.001-07:00

monday blues.

2008-10-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

my VIP(s)

2008-10-02T06:45:00.000-07:00

life's vulnerable..
what you have this moment may not be still yours the very next....
treasure thoese around you with your heart...
who knows who leaves you the next minute?

i'm not speaking from personal experience at this moment but someone's heartfelt story touched me and i'm feeling alot.

2008-10-01T09:19:00.000-07:00

aloha!!!
selamat hari raya to my dearest ezah and nizam! (:
i had a good lunch at ezah's place without her, for the first time... hahaha.. but the food still taste as good as ever... yummy! don't you miss them? i know you do! 29th nov! and i'm couting down... misses! i hope u had an enjoyable day there too!
went nan's place for mahjong... fantastic!
good times fly...
we all had a great dinner and i loved the food and the companions...
(yingtao, lao da, nan and anthony)
if only the good old ones (xian, yan, jin lee, ang, alvin, jeffrey) were there and it will be totally fantastic..

guys, thanks for EVERYTHING.

2008-09-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

let my pictures update what has been happening in my life for this past few days...

kee and i did the retro thing - taking neoprints. haha! niceee...
don't we look like a happy lovey dovey couple? hahaha!

lovely (:

acting cute but it's niceee!

and when we meet, it's always about food, and that's really how we both became lovey dovey balls. haha!

we went soup spoon....
clam chowder
these mushrooms re lovely and yummy-licious!
the chocolate fudge melts fabulously in the mouth. yums.
and we devour them all. haha!

and then we went ichiban for sushi feast on monday...

sentosa trip last sunday with ying tao, lao da, yan, kennedy, seline and darren.

and for the million zillion times i'm going to say this, i can't do without these two men in my life (:

that's about all for now. i will have more pictures to upload soon after tomorrow because we are all going to celebrate kailin's birthday tmr evening. (:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i just reached home from dinner with lao da, nizam and yingtao. we went to bukit panjang 163 for some hawker food. it's kinda nostalgia sitting at that coffeshop because it brings back all the memories we all had during the swensens days.. and then it feels good to have the same people, having the same food, same drink, (even the fried chicken wing stall aunty remains the same), talking and chilling. nothing else except time changes and our age changes. it also fels good to know that these people stays with you, stayed with you for the past 6 yrs, and then it's even better to know that the friendship hadn't remained where it started because it progresses. our topics have changed over the years and we tolerated each other's differences and stood by each other. it's a different kind of feeling when u tap them on the shoulders giving encouragement and slamming them hard on their hands and legs when they spam you with nonsensical comments.it's what i feel from deep within, a kind of bond people from the next tables cannot understand and will curse at how freaking loud we were. our lifestyle changed over the years... we used to just hang around at the coffeeshop and then rush for the last bus.. but now we have yingtao to dive us to different hang outs and then we have a higher quality of life because we go to restaurants and cafes for coffee, tea and ice creams. and then we all take turns to pick the bill and pay the tabs. sometimes, i looked back and wondered how we became what we were now, i thank god and heavens for having them going through those thick and thin with me. and most of al, they put up with my nonsense all the times, and then i blinked and wondered if this can always continue on because i know how important these people are to me.

i didn't take alcohol and i'm not drunk. i'm not saying all these mushy stuffs because it's one of those moments. we boarded yingtao's car not knowing where he's going to drive us to, but we had this mutual trust thingy that somehow makes us know that wherever he goes, it's just going to be enjoyable, because the company counts. he drove us to daily scoop at sunset way. while sharing the waffles and tasting those weird flavours, i looked at how the three guys always argue and laughed, talked and shared, laughed and mocked, cursed and swore at one another... the ice cream tasted better than ever. the way we all could openly shoot at each other's stupidity and correct each other's wrongs didn't come overnight. and i like all these so much because everyone takes off their masks and feels real for who we are. what's most important is we just show each other the real inner you and there's just nothing to hide, there's no need to hide. and i feel more than happy and blessed to have these people, right here in my life.

thanks guys... if it weren't for your company, it wouldn't have made up for my cocked up day (:

cheerios!

2008-09-19T01:50:00.001-07:00

i'm back!
it's been busy for me and i haven got time for myself at all.
and then i fell sickand now i'm on mc... and yes, thats when i have time for some me-time.
i know working life is like that, so i won't grumble much anymore...
sighs.

i hit the gym today, and i feel great!!!!!
(i feel good...... garfield's tune!)
hitting the threadmill, pumping those irons clear my mind and put my mind off everything else..
it feels good to be just exercising and passing some me-time, letting the brain rest for an hour.
these days, i've been thinking alot on my future, my career, what i want to do, what i really like and what are things i should try...
and then the list went on and on when i started thinking of things i should try.
and then slowly i strike them off and then new things just come up..
i might be thinking too much but, i guess this is what we do at this age.
neither are we mature adults nor teenagers anymore..
we are at this point where we face multiple crossroads don't we?

here i am, dedicating my time, love and energy to what i call my 'passion' but on the ither hand, i'm losing alot alot of things because of my passion, and i'm weighing the opportunity cost of me dedicating to my passion... sometimes i wonder, if i weren't in this line, and if i were a sales person, how my life would be?
i would earn more, much more than what i have now, and i would be always on the run, and not desk bound.. but will i be happy? i don't know.
what if i were a retail girl? i would be standing for long hrs, meeting all sorts of people and dealing with nasty customers... i would talk all day and no one would care, but i would get my commission, and still i will still earn much more than what i have now. but would i be happy? i don't know too..
if i were to join a bank as a financial planner, i would pester my friends to buy plans and make sure in time to come, everyone would be avoiding me, but i would earn much more wouldnt i? yes of cos, but would i be happy?? i still dont know.

what am i trying to say?
i'm trying to say that i'm so scared i lose passion in what i am doing... suddenly things turned mechanical and technical and it becomes a routine. things dont come right from the heart anymore, and i am not dedicating fully into what i am doing. it's become a job instead of a passion i used to think of it as. i'm so afraid i lose that touch and i don know how i can regain the touch with such busy schedules. everyday is soooo busy that at the end of the day, u forgot what u did earlier on and before u know anything, the day is over. this thing is daunting on me alot and because i feel that i'm losing this human touch, i'm pondering if i should take a little break from it and think through things. i don wan to be 'helping' and 'reaching' out like a 'robot'.
i dunno if anyone would know what i am saying, but i guess these are things and reflections that i have to go and sort it out myself.

all in all, i'm a confused lady who's standing at crossroads now.

anyway, i'm so missing so many people. sorry i haven got time to meet.
ezah!!! skype soon. i need to talk to u and i need ur support!!! :)
xia!! if we could meet soon, i'll be pouring so much to you. misses.

2008-09-14T08:54:00.000-07:00

reflected, reflections.

2008-09-08T08:40:00.001-07:00

major turning points in life.

2008-09-04T08:23:00.001-07:00

although working means alot to me and it's more than meaningful to life,
i'm starting to feel no life.
i'm aching all over now from shoulders to feet, but i'm loving it...
it makes me feel worked out and thrashed.
i need some serious me-time to chill and think of things that are neglected and left right at the back of my mind.
there are things needed to be sorted out and i just refuse to face it, and what more, i think i'm just someone who loves hiding into my comfy zone when i see a bomb. coward joyce!
whatever it is, there are so many things in life i need to put into place.
i'm going to swim, and i wan to swim till my arms feel heavy and my mind goes numb.
i guess that's the best way to relax now. :)

sab! i miss u like crazy! when will we meet??? loves.
lixia, i miss u! ezah, i miss u! thanks for the hugs. u're loved and missed. :)
thanks persis! loves.

2008-09-03T02:22:00.001-07:00

i want chocolates.
i NEED chocolates.
i badly need a sweet fix, NOW.

i want ice cream.
iNEED ice cream..
i seriously need super sweet fix NOW.

maybe i just need a hug.
i'm stressed out. :(

2008-09-01T06:25:00.000-07:00

peekaboo!!!
it was BAD monday blues for me. i felt so down so blue so moody right at the moment when i opened my eyes. it must be the aftermath of too much joys and laughters over the weekend. but it went off after a while i guessed? but i still felt really moody during lunchtime.
i couldn't wait for the clock to ctrike 5.25pm so that i can dash out of the office. and i did.
i did a little shopping, had a little me time beofre i met cousins for badminton.
my legs are aching slightly from the dashing on threadmill yesterday but i'm feeling energetic and i love to perspire and feel the heat emitting off the body. it feels really good.
after exercising, i just cannot help but sing it out loud, 'i feel good!!!' (if u know the tune and melody from the garfield) hahahaha.
and i'm gonna hit the gym after work tmr.

have i turned into some exercise freak or health freak? in a way, yes but in another way, no. i just feel good when i ache all over and fall asleep the moment i lie down. and i'm rather motivated to train well for the standard chartered run, it would be my first 10km!

sometimes i wonder, would i be a better person where people can accept me better if i were slimmer? prettier? if i weren't a poke face, would i be much more acceptable? if i weren't fat like what i am, would i then be a better person? and if i don have ugly teeth and could smile sweeter, then i would be seen? someone told me today that looks are VERY IMPORTANT these days. no one look into our hearts and know who we really are. they believe what their eyes see, and we tend to judge from first impression. i did give the statement some thoughts and felt it's quite true to a certain extent.
but wouldn't there be just ONE EXCEPTION, just ONE someone who would see just another ONE beyond their looks, and look into the heart and see what's true? i have faith that there are people who gofor what's true and real. i go for what is REAL.

life's getting so stagnant it's boring. bring me some spices please? haha.

2008-08-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

let the pictures do the talking.
i finally met nizam after a long long time... (:

2008-08-29T23:21:00.001-07:00

booo!
dear all, i'm back blogging! in case anyone wondered why i haven been updating, it's really due to the busy workload at work. i have lots of backdated work piled up on my desk waiting for me to clear and i'm glad to say first week back to work is really happy and manageable. everyone back at work is a joy to be with, and i'm also quite glad to say i haven lose touch with what i'm supposed to do (:
it's saturday! i'm supposed to hit the gym but i didn't, tmr i will! i'm supposed to meet lixia but i couldn't but next week i will! i miss u girl (:
hmmm, i want to get a pair of proper footwear so i don't get blisters and i don feel strained on my feet... i think my over pronation is killing me whenever i have the wrong footwear! miss nur faezah??? if u could advise me on this, i'd love u more. hahahaha! i'm missing u like crazy!

met yingtao and lao da for the second time in the week at central. when the three of us get together, it's nothing but noise and laughters. the noise come from them and the laughters come from me. hahaha. if there's one thing i don wan to hide and be truthful, thats probably the fact that i can never lose any of these two. they make my perfect right-left hands. with loves my jewels.

lao da, me, yingtao.

we, at billy bombers.

sometimes, things get so complicated i want them to be just simple and to make things simple, i would simply avoid it. i don know if what i am doing is right, but it seems the best way to get out of it.

2008-08-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

2008-08-08T09:39:00.000-07:00

with loves.

2008-08-08T06:04:00.000-07:00

i am more than happy that i am now eating and talking normally like a normal person (:
hahaha... i am feeling very much better and soon i will be bubbly and cheerful as ever...
for the past two days i was more than happy because i went out!!!
i hit the gym with my cousins and sister yesterday, i didn't do heavy work out but i sweat off a little.. it felt really great to be able to be active again..
i met angeline at tampines mall for a little shopping that she needed to do for her hostel's stuffs... and i also got myself a nike water bottle that we both decided to buy together... a shoe bag that will keep me motivated for the gym cost only 12bucks... contented!!!
and then i drew up a good timetable for me to hit california fitness and yoga regularly each week... it feels good to be able to build back my immune system and feel normal again (:
i went shopping today! and i met sisters!
ah kee and jy and i and my sis went to soup spoon.. before that i went to find da sao at dfs... hmmm, well i spent quite a bit today but it feels really good..
i also went daiso to buy racks so that i can tidy my room...
and i tidied my room the moment i reached home... it's now clean and neat and it looks good!!! (:
im going to tidy my wardrobe and bag cabinet very soon...

i'm feeling great!!! for everything i have and everyone around me.
loves.

2008-08-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

my new blog outlook is specially made and dedicated to me by my dearest cuzzie ying ying (:
thanks dear!
i love u....

2008-07-31T07:24:00.000-07:00

dear all,
i'm discharged from hospital, lesser in pain and am blogging to let the whole wide world know that i'm slowly recovering, no speedy recovery for me but i am grateful i'm healing.

i want to use a big bright font on this little space, to thank god, thank heaven, thank mother nature for giving me a very blessed life with everything and everyone i ever needed in my life...

when i was down, i saw how many people cared from their bottom of their hearts, gave me whatever they could, and they blessed my life with everything i will ever need. these are people i will never let go in my life and i am ME (a whole new, well and cared for ME) today for the presence of these people.
even if the medicine didn't work, even if the drips didnt flow in my body, even if there were nothing else doctors could do to save me, these people gave me the strength, the motivation, the determination to stnd up strong again. and they did it from their hearts and touched my heart, truly.

i'm going to list everything everyone because it meant so much to me, and it meant so much so that i'm never ever gonna let go of these people ever, no matter what...

1. my family. my WHOLE FAMILY. i love all of you. thanks for everything, thanks for going through these pains, and through all the difficulties...
thanks my grandmothers who worries for me most. thanks my aunties who goes through every detail with me.. thanks my sis for EVERYTHING, and thank my mum for letting me see how much a mother can do beyond everything.

2. MY FRIENDS.

Lixia: she was the FIRST to be waiting at the emergency department, waiting for me to be admitted, to be warded and everything. she was there almost everyday every minute for the first week of my hospitalisation. she made porridge, she bought whiteboard and markers for me so i could communicate with people without opening my ulcerted mouth. she bugged nurses to get things for me, she sat there string into air when i dozed off, she went through the most painful times with me at the initial stage... i thank her for everything and she's totally appreciated for everything because through these years, she never failed to stand by me....... I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Zixian: she also came almost everyday through the first week... she brought dvd player for me, she brought vcds for me so i wouldn't be bored... she sat there aimlessly just to be my companion... she came even though she had busy schedules at school... she helped drove my mum and sis home when it was late... she bought markers and refills for me when lixia's supply went down.... thanks for everything, my appreciation is beyond just words... I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Qiuyan (Venecia): thank you my dear for being the nurse's attendant on the first night of my pain... u didn't get turn off from the ugly sores on my buttocks but instead helped with the dressing... u helped applied medicine, u didn't get turn off by the disgusting way i gargle and u didn't turn away any looks from the sores i showed... again, anything everything is very very appreciated!!! I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Likim: she came down late nights after work, and asked her bf to send my family home because it was late.. she went through so many miles just trying to find a store selling porridge that was meant for just swallowing and i wont need to chew... she went through everything and showed her true concerns every night by sms-ing me and making sure i was healing day by day... I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Ulrica: she came with her lovely sunshine smile and ensured that i would be fine, be great, be good and i'd be in shape again to enjoy food like we always did.. she told me i would get well and then next year we'd be travelling to taiwan for shopping and food! I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Loh WC: my sister, my buddy.. who came on the first night and then said it was really stuffy for me and it's no good for ventilation... and then the very next day, he brought a brand new portable fan with multi purpose plug to the hospital so that i won't be stuffy and hot!!! i'm more than just touched. I LOVE YOU BUDDY!!!

Jenny: Thanks darling for making time out of ur busy times to see me.. she encouraged me with looking forward to going to lau pa sat for our big feasting again..... cockles, rojak, wings, everything!! thanks for everything darling. I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Kailin: my dearest girl who always spurs me on with shopping trips and feasting.... she promised a shopping trip so i could really look forward (: I LOVE YOU DARLING.

Pauline: i haven seen this dear girl for ages and when she saw me, i was lying on that hospital bed! the next time we meet, i don wan to be 'cui'... thanks for coming down even though u had endless work to do.. u're really relly appreciated.. misses!!!

JiSheng: the one with crushed rub cage and still never fail to accompany lixia to entertain this sick patient. thanks bro! (:

FAEZAH: I MISS YOU MY DEAREST BOO!!!! I KNOW HOW WORRIED U'D BE WHEN U KNOW THE NEWS SO I MADE SURE I DIDN'T TELL U.. I DON WAN U TO FEEL WORRIED AND U JUST STARTED SEMESTER! I'LL BE FINE AND STRONG. ur sms-es boost my motivation everyday... I MISS YOU, I JUST MISS YOU SO MUCH!!! loves.

yeo ah kee: my ah kee came and told me one good motivation to move me on... ferrero rocher has this new dark chocolate, that does NOT contains nuts!!! i love u ball (:

sua: u came with ur vibrnce and smiled as bright as the sunflowers u girls brought.. i love u sister! (:

YuHong: my dearest bro who came with ribena and cheesecake! the ribenas were my energy booster for 2days because i cant eat solid food.. and welll, the nice strawberry cheesecake were consumed with happiness by my sister. roars!! thanks bro, for everything!!! (:

Lao Da: needless to say more, the one who came whenever he could, and making sure i was ok. always the one caring for me, making sure even when he went tioman someone would take good care of me. he told me to contact ah ho when he's away and he made sure he came to see me the moment he reached singapore from tioman. LAO DA, thanks for everything, loves!!!

Nizam: my dearest bro who never fail to make my day bright... his smiles, his jokes his nonsense, his everything keeps me going. thanks bro... for coming right after the tioman trip... u guys touched me!! loves...

Ah Ho: the one who came almost everyday, and stayed late every night. thanks bro, FOR EVERYTHING!!! i think my mum really likes you for the everything u did.. hahaha... thanks buddy! i appreciate you alot (:

Darren: this brother here also made the trip down right after the tioman trip... touched touched!! thanks for everything, and i love u guys, for everything...

Yeong Sen: he lost his smiles and jokes when he saw me lying on that bed... i could see from his eyes he wanted badly for me to quarrel with him and hit him hard on his chest so that he could smack me hard on my arms... thanks buddy, for showing me how much u really cared, ur sms-es made me smile everyday.. loves (:

Chin Nan: thanks for EVERYTHING (:

Yingtao: thru ur packed schedule and duties, u managed to squeeze time to come and visit me and sent my family home without asking and u always have a different way of showing concern. i appreciate you for whatever u did... thanks darling, for everything. loves (:

my colleagues: thanks for everything, every encouragement, every words counts... and thanks for the flowers, tonics, bird nest, honey, everything and everything. especially thanks to my GL. steph, u make working life wonderful, u gave me encouragement beyond words that can ever describe.. LOVE U!!

my classmtes: the whole class sent well wishes and a hamper... especially thanks to kelly who was there at the hospital when i fainted in the toilet. u were of gretest help to my sister then. and thanks for the encouraging books... thanks for all the classmates who came to visit me throughout the days... u all made a difference to my motivation and my drive to move on.. thanks everyone, for everything.

i also just wan to thank anyone, everyone who stood by me through all these pains... i'm feeling better, and i will go on strong...

with loves,
joyce

2008-07-20T13:59:00.001-07:00

but i'm really grateful for supportive family and friends

2008-07-20T11:53:00.000-07:00

2am in the morning and i got jolted up from my sleep, feeling the ultimate pain...
i hate this feeling..
every night i get this feeling...
i decided, just for one night i wanted to be strong so i didn't want to take any muscle relaxants, no sleeping pills for tonight and no over dosage of painkillers, no crying myself to sleep..
i just wanted to brace up rom the pain and i acted brave to stop all the usual thing i needed...
and guess what?
i didn't make it through the night..
i woke up at 2am in the morning, waking my sister from my cries of pains.
i hate all these... i really hate all these...
i kept telling myself i would be better, each night i went to sleep feeling optimistic that i would wake up feeling better but i'm always disappointed from the ultimate pains i feel the moment the sleeping pills wear off....
so who can tell me what to do? what should i do? what am i to do?????

when will i be healed?
when will i stop feeling pain?
i cannot talk, for one, that's already killing me.
i cannot eat, which human being can take it without eating anything solid at all for more than a wk??
i cannot sleep!!
the next thing u know, joyce, yes joyce ong is crying every night. trying to relieve from all these shit!

if you want to torture me like this, just take away me.
i've lost all energy and motivation and drive to keep myself going...

i know i have caring and concern family members and friends... i know everyone care and everyone is here for me... but it's something i cannot expect anyone to understand.. and it's not easy for me to spell out just what the hell is wrong....

i put up a brave front, trying not to let anyone worry for me but i'm losing all these drive....
probably mummy and mei know, it's been a full 2wks that they never see or hear my smiles or laughters... everyday they encourage me saying i would feel better tomorrow, but it never did happen...
or can i boldly ask, when will i wake up feeling less painful than yesterday?
i hate to say this but i can feel depression dauting on me, waiting to seep into me the moment i say i give up everything.... i'm hanging on because i think of the people who wou;d worry and care, i'm hanging on because part of me is to help people withdraw from depression and it'd be ironical for me to be a part of it... i'm hanging on also because i strongly believe in optimistic and i kept telling myself as long as i don dwell, i would be fine...
but i dunno how long more i can hang on....
i'm losing ALL energy... i'm losing ALL hopes... i'm losing myself....

2008-07-19T04:27:00.000-07:00

i have this sudden urge to blog about food.
i've drinking cereal and plain porridge and nothing else for the past 2 weeks and i'm sooooooo sick of it already...
and then i'm suddenly thinking of the following:

1) COCKLES with chilli
2) bbq chicken wings
3) laksa with no tau pok and more cockles
4) mee siam with extra chilli!
5) fried oyster egg with super alot of chilli
6) dry mee pok
7) manhattan fish market seafood platter
8) imperial treasure xiao long bao
9) char siwe bao
10) fish head curry
11) satay!!!
12) swensens' crayfish pasta
13) sushi
14) frosted chocolate mat
15) secret recipe's banana chocolate cake
16) cafe cartel's st louis pork ribs
17) ajisen's volcano ramen
18) ice monster's mixed fruit ice
19) unagi don
20) dry prawn bee hoon with sambal

YUMMMMMY.
i'm just dreaming of all these...
sighs.

2008-07-19T03:25:00.000-07:00

thanks everyone for your concern.
i'm on the road to recovery, not speedy but slowly..
but it's ok..
await my smiley return someday.
missing everyone!

2008-07-16T07:38:00.000-07:00

i'm in pain.
i just need some relief from the pain and i can be the happy and confident me again.
sorry i have been really blue and down and i don look my usual self.
i cut off ties from the world to recuperate.
i feel more sad than ever, now at this very moment.
because i dunno what can help me relief this unbearable pain and discomfort.
ulcers. cores. ulcers. sores.
no food, n laughters, no smiles, i cannot even talk properly!!! nothing but ulcers and sores.
doctor gives painkillers, medicine, painkillers, medicine.
take more blood and only blood for more tests and only tests...
the results are always telling me i'm ok i'm fine...
then where does all these pains come from???
can anyone just tell me that I WILL BE FINE???
i'm not far from shizo but somewhere near depression.

2008-07-10T06:56:00.000-07:00

aloha!
i'm back. only because, number 1, i'm down, yes again.
with ulcers, and yes they love me for whatever reason i do not know.
and number 2, i'm bored because i've got 2 days MC on hands.
actually, i had 3days, but i had my passion and being a rather workaholic, i went to work on the first day of my MC, and then on my 2nd day, which is today, everyone in office shoo me home.
i love my work mates. they can be one of the nicest people around and caring right from the heart.
well, thinking of what department and what field i come from, that should be quite the case: healthcare. hahaha!

i'm not happy, i'm not sad. i'm just rather down because i'm really in pain.
and then i've missed so many lessons in school i'm afraid i need to do a derferment for this semester. i hope the school does an exception case for me, i'm appealing.
well, if not... i'll be going to think of some other alternatives, like joining my bestest friend in melbourne and go to la trobe for good. hahaha! that's my dream, my hopes. (:

i apologise for the depressing entry i had previously, but i was really upset. over things that i do not know how to put into words... i should be fine when i feel better without the ulcers i guess?

i probably just need to sleep my hrs away and make my MC worthwhile for resting well, and be socially responsible like what stephanie and ernest like to say. talking about this, i really want to thank steph, uncle paul, aileen ernest, colyn, candice and elaine. they are the ones who really showed that extra mile of care. making sure i've reached home safe, making sure i had lunch and thanks for everything else. u guys make the workplace worthwhile even though we fight endless wars... (:

everyone please pray and hope for my speedy recovery.. because i think i'm losing my shine, my happiness, my laughters, my smiles day by day because of these endless ulcers episodes that i get more than often... :(

2008-07-01T07:19:00.000-07:00

i hate to say this...
but nobody can ever look at me into my eyes and really know who i am,
know what i need,
and know what i really need is also someone to care for me,
truly from the heart.
nobody will ever look at me in my eyes..
nobody.

2008-06-15T17:36:00.000-07:00

days fly past me in a dash...
the last time i blogged, i couldn't rememmber when, until i looked back in my poasts to find that it was more than 10 days ago...
see how time flies past me.....
at work, there's hardly time to think of anything else except to work cos there's just no spare time..
and then at the end of the day, i'd already be too tired to think of anything or to do anything else except to relax and sleep...
no life? not really.
cos i do enjoy what i am doing but i come to realise i hate spare time now. because it makes me think of things i dont want to think about at all.. most of all, my colleagues bring lots of joy and laughter to me.. i enjoy working and i start to hate spare time that would bring me emptiness...

the weekends past by with joys, and i love these people who always entertain me on my weekends... i love their company and thanks to everyone who would know i need hideouts and they would be my warm hiding barriers. thanks people, u know who u are (:

and also, for the past weekend, i've reflected alot, and thanks to xiong lao da and venecia and chin nan and many others who would always be there. and to those who know how upset i've been about someone for the past weeks. and then i've come to conclusion that if someone just wants to take you for granted then you shouldn't just give in.

missing ezah, for everything.

*i may be blogging in another 10 over days time, probably...*

2008-06-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

it was a boring weekend, i slept through my sunday, and blurred through my saturday.
nothing exciting. nothing intersteing.
except for having flu and cough and taking medicine, and sleeping away...
it felt weird not meeting the usuals for the weekend. felt boring.
missed everyone.
sometimes i think i cannot live without them.
saturday i felt so lost at chinatown, and i ended up having to call lao da, venecia, yeong sen and tao xiang to find my way out.. of course in the end they also din know how to help me but i managed to get my way when i was talking to venecia. HAHAHA. so lol.. getting lost...

im at work, im having monday blues. i'm hoping things are ok for today cos im already feeling tired at this early morning. good week ahead everyone.
good luck to xia darling who is starting work today.
missing everyone very much.
especially ezah!! take care babe! talk soon! loves.

2008-05-29T06:52:00.001-07:00

and i graduated from np.
and i made so many lovely friends.
and i had so much wonderful memories.
and i'm starting to feel sad because i will miss canteen 1 and its food.
and im starting to miss the sushi bar.
and the umbrella area...
and the underpass...
and those days and nights we camp in school just to complete projects...
and and and... im just going to miss everything about np.

through this whole journey, i'm grateful to have wonderful mates with me, through thick and thin, from knowing them to loving them to wanting the friendships to last forever... presenting some of the people i am never going to miss out in my life, those i've met in np, and will swear never to forget...

- the toes (erika, camen, jasmine, cheryl and samsam)
- serve cambodia' 2005 peeps (everyone!)
- touch cambodia' 2006 (esp sister yeo ah kee, sister samantha, sister sua!!!)
- angeline, wenting, jasmine
- ibsm'2007
- baoc'2006 (my freshies, the SBs)
- ba camp'2005
- joyce dearie
- actually, the list goes on to many many others whom i will surely miss......

there are some really strong bonds i've made through this years, and they are people whom i don get to see often or meet often, but we know... somehow we know.. the friendship stays.
kudos to all my lovely np mates. good luck for all future endeavours, and may the meories stay on and on (:

many many pictures to be up soon! keep updated!

2008-05-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

moshi moshi!
it's a new week, and i must say that i had a lovely weekend.
great hang outs, great dinners, great chills and great meeting new people. saturday we met up for a chill and we met alot of new friends whom we did had fun with. games, drinks, laughters, singings. i quite like that, some sort of tuning off from the usual world.
dunno if anyone had nice pictures of that night but it's ok even without cos the fun had been imprinted in my mind.

anyway, i started the week off well. there was not much on a monday blues, but instead i had a drive, some kind of motivation from the inner self to work hard in my profession.
watched the charity show that was shown on sunday night with regards to the sze chuan earthquake, it made me cry. every incident shown, every word the wirness, helpers and victims said brought me through traumas of heartache and grief.
it makes me reflect on what am i doing? how minimal am i doing to help with catastrophic calamities. how much can we help with the donations? is it reallt donations that can help them? they lose things that money can NEVER buy back, loved ones that will NEVER come back, and treasured memories that will remain sound with them. what kind of traumas have they been going through, and how much emotional support do they need?
it makes me feel so small. it makes me feel helpless. helpless because there's just so little that we can do for them.it pains me to even think that lives can NEVER be the same for them anymore.
to the lost ones: be safe, be sound and you are blessed with the rest of the everlasting moments.
to the living ones: you are blessed with blessings the lost ones would give forever.
with peace, i wish for ever blessings for the people of szechuan.

it just makes me wan to extend that little amount of human touch i have, to the people i meet everyday. i wan to live for the passion i have in me. to reach out to lives, and touch lives. though it might be tough for us to constantly give the touch but we try.
it's not difficult to touch lives, for a smile, a gentle touch can give someone a better day.
it's more difficult to reach out to lives, but we try. just the little passion for an extra mile can make a big difference for someone's life. and if a few mins for an extra mile in our lives can bring an extra smile for someone in our life, even for a second, it makes our lives worthwhile.
and just that extra mile would make our lives a little more satisfying.

it also brings me to a point where i thought that we shoould never take people for granted. we can be taken for granted, don't be upset. think of it as though we took time to reach and touch someone's life eve if we may not be appreciated. how much can we try to appreciate the ones around us before it's too late?

i ever thought i might have took the wrong career path but now i'm more than sure that i'm never going to give up this passion, this ever-strong drive and motivation to improve people's quality of lives. bringing hope, bringing love, showing compassion and be kind to people.
what would make me smile at the end of each day is the thought that every minute i work, i do it out of love and passion. (:

heal the world with our small hands and big hearts.

2008-05-22T07:46:00.000-07:00

while my daily life requires me to show endless care&empathy, who can spare a second just for me?
just for ME? :(

2008-05-21T03:47:00.000-07:00

some pictures we took on sunday...
the chilling pics at balcony is with dearest kailin, so shall wait for her to send first. hee...
lovely.

2008-05-19T06:51:00.001-07:00

i had loads of fun on sunday.
LOADS.
lovely scenery at sentosa with wonderful people whom we drink,chat,sun-tan,play and giggle with. one whole afternoon seeped into the loves of the sun, sea, sand and most importantly, my dearest people.
next up we had a yummy-licious delicious fablous dinner together, something that was absolutely delicious but CHEAP!!! (:
and then, i had a bonus! we went for movie, ALTOGETHER. my original proposal was just to have sentosa, dinner and chill. WHO KNOWS THESE LOVELY PEOPLE ARE SO LOVING THEY ALL AGREED TO HAVE MOVIE FIRST THEN CHILL? tell me who's the best? you all are the best! hahaha!
and we watched the 11pm show at cineleisure, 'accuracy of death'.
what should i say about the show?? i think only yingtao and i felt the show was absolutely sweet, and it was nicely put together to show avery artistic and sweeeeeet love story. tao xiang and kai lin didn't fall asleep, but they thought it was just a very good show, not exactly a sweet love story. but this literature movie made out tired friends qiuyan, lao da and yeong sen FELL ASLEEP. hahahaha! comical! throughout the show, other than fidgeting (cos the chair wasn't very comfortable, it hurts our asses), we were also peeping at these sleepers once in a while and and then we would feel like laugihng cos they really were enjoying the air-con after the hot sun burning afternoon. haha! (: nevertheless, we all enjoyed the movie more or less.
and then we went to balcony for a chill.
kilkenny for me! some cocktails for the others, and always always always thank my dearest YT for not drinking during chill sessions cos he drives. and he always make sure he don't even sip. i drank kilkenny cos i always think it'd be ok if he wants to sip, but if i were to take cocktails, hard liqour adds up to more alcoholic content. okie, he thinks it's a bad logic but nevertheless i just feel really bad he always drinks cappucino while we drink. thank u YOU. (:

ohhh!!! we met this really crazy and angry security guard at the carpark opposite to cineleisure. i saw the signboard saying that it closes at 1am. and soooo i told yingtao it's only until 1am and if the show starts later than 11pm which would definitely be the case and then we wont be able to get the car. he said it's ok la... he thinks that it would be that cars wont be able to enter the carpark but cars can still come out after 1am.. and we were about to leave the carpark when i thought it was so illogical and it's better to play safe so to 'assure' me and lao da, he said we should ask the security guard. the security guard was frantically shouting saying that we MUST leave BEFORE 1AM if not we can only collect the car at 7AM in the morning. then we thought ok, we should shift the car, and then he kept following us asking if we can please leave by 1am, and he was agitated+frantic+worried+ i also dunno what. so YT was like 'OK, WE ARE SHIFTING NOW........' oops~ funny and hilarious when i saw the security's expression followed by Yt's puzzled look. LOL! lao da and i wanted to just laugh our heads off.

and we met for lunch today at bpp, he insisted i make accomodations and comprmising to go bukit panjang plaza. fine. and so i just went there for lnch and to meet these two jewels of my heart. and well, i think everything is worth it, cos seriously, as long as they are happy, i am happy. hahaha! jovial day.

a good start of the week makes me think of the best of the week.
i'm looking forward to friday! (:
pictures to be up laterrrrr... nites!!

I'M A HAPPY GIRL.

2008-05-17T07:40:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST DARLING XIA. LOVES!! (:

2008-05-16T09:14:00.001-07:00

it's been long since i last blogged, probably a week ago?
i've been really busy with my job that sometimes i forget to breathe... i'm dead serious about the fact that i love my job, the job scope, the environment, the job nature, the people, the everything. i even love doing long hours and staying back late to clear things only because i know i'm working for my passion (:
and introducing my colleagues, steph, paul, ernest and aileen, they are the ones that i work with closely day to day, fabulous people, fantastic team... they are one of the motivation that makes me look frward to work everyday.. of course all the other colleagues are just nice people that make me can't resist work.
i also don't deny the fact that it's giving a certain level of stress, but i think it's all worth it. poor friends have to get my craziness thru my on off smses... hahaha! kindly understand sometimes i don sms or reply fast enough only cos i can easily forget to breathe too!!! :P

YH told me this:

it's not what you look at, but what you see ; says:
then tell each other.
it's not what you look at, but what you see ; says:
if we cant be in a r/s. lets just be very good friends.
it's not what you look at, but what you see ; says:
since we know each other so well.
it's not what you look at, but what you see ; says:
we make good frens.
it's not what you look at, but what you see ; says:
furthermore. tell urself. be equally happy if he/she is with another person
it's not what you look at, but what you see ; says:
cos the person can love him/her more than u do.
and he/she have already moved on with her life.
it's not what you look at, but what you see ; says:
take it then, as a motivation for u to.
it's not what you look at, but what you see ; says:
cos if he/she can do it, so can you
it's not what you look at, but what you see ; says:
life is too short for us to live in unhappiness. for us to live with regrets.

it hit me even harder that i should be happy with whatever i was thinking of doing.

2008-05-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

today i met my lovely ball ykk (:

2008-05-12T07:11:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY DEAREST EZAH!!! (:

2008-05-11T07:51:00.000-07:00

HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY!! (:

some pictures to share, taken over this two weeks...

happy 28th birthday chin nan!

happy mothers' day!

we all went causeway point for dinner and movie last night... it was fun, taking pictures just to try how good phone cameras are. obviously, yingtao and mine doesnt work as well cos these pictures are from pda phones of qiuyan and lao da. lol

till then.

p/s: 如果这是我爱你最好的距离, 我愿意欺骗我自己离开你

2008-05-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

[SOMEONE WHO LIVES IN YOUR HEART]
Last night I dream that you were beside me
It seems so real that I cried
When you've touched me
You’re my angel
And you've given me wings
And I fly away with you wherever you go
Cause you filled my heart and you captured my soul
And baby i want you to know

If there's one thing in this world that I know is true
It's the love that I feel when I'm thinking of you
No ocean or mountain can keep us apart
Coz no one can take away someone who lives in your heart
All the hopes and the dreams are alive
I'll carry you with me through distance and time
Nothing in this world can keep us apart
Coz no one can take away someone who lives in your heart
And I know there's a million stars between us
But that won't stop my longing
To hold you and to kiss youHow I love you
And I'll find my way to you wherever you are
Coz you're in my soul and you've got my heart
And your love will carry me on

nice song (:

i was born the eldest, the word implies me to be someone who should be independent. and indeed, i look independent, i seem independent, and i might be really independent. and i think i am all of the above. everyone has that impression of me, and it's so prominent in me that i think it's written on my face, 'independent girl'.
today i met lao da, ying tao and qiuyan for dinner and movie... while qiuyan was on her way and yingtao was busy buying food, lao da and i were discussing how sometimes we have so many friends buy still feel lonely at times.. and then we started discussing in our own perspective how we might put off the opposite sex.
he says i don't put him off cos i come across to him with the first impression of being very sunshine and bubbly, warm and friendly... BUT... guys tend to think that i'm the outgoing independent kind, totally a best buddy, someone whom they will turn to, speak to, hang around with and i totally fit the bill to be those who drinks and watch soccer with them as a buddy. someone always game for any challenge, someone who can lend them my shoulders when they fall out of love.

and i agreed that's me.

i said i don't have the plus point, i'm not pretty. i don't have what alot of girls have.i'm not gentle. i'm loud. i'm rough and tough, at least i seem to be. and i think guys like those who has 'i need to be cared for' face to let them melt. which, i also do not have. they like girls softspoken, lady like, which i am not too.
and he tries not to agree but i know deep down that he agrees.

and then on my way home i was pondering about this 'independent' issue and felt really sad... just because i LOOK independent, everyone seems to assume i am. just because i always look so bubbly and cheerful, people think i am NEVER SAD. just because i AM independent, just because i don't look frail, i look ugily tough and rough, people do not care much about me. and really don't. i know it, i sense it.. cos it happens in my family with my family members tnking i'm superwonderwoman who knows everything, can do anything, everything. they seldom care about my thoughts or feelings, i know they are just very sure that i'm always able to cope, but sometimes, just sometimes i need a few words of care and concern.

and after the heart to heart talk with lao da just now, it makes me feel like i'm never going to get someone who would just be there for me, taking into consideration for the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, i break down too.

2008-05-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

i'm loving my job, the people and everything about it. (:

2008-05-03T22:31:00.000-07:00

i'm suddenly feeling so sad that this year's may, it seems all so different. previously, may i would be always planning for my darlings' birthdays.. this year, ezah is away, nothing much to plan except to plan to skype the night away with her, and xian is forever busy, not sure even if we would celebrate for her...
xia, keep ur birthday free please? (: loves.

i guess that's what people say we move on in the chapters of our lives, we don always do the same old things every year. don't we? for one point in time, it seemed to me that everyone seems to have a new direction in life, something to look forward to, something they all love to do... and i found my firection too... and i was so proud of myself to have told everyone i've started to move in a whole new direction... a whole new life..

if u were to tell me those things i heard, i'd feel so much better, so much clearer..
now, it's so confusing, i always thought i am very clear about this whole thing, but now i know i am utterly wrong, i'm still so stuck inside it all.

i want to just walk away from this whole episode, but it seems to play again and again repetitively over and over, like it is never going to end. it's like i'm forever going to act in the show, myself. myself

until you appear all over again.. each time u come into my life, it seems like u were an intruder... u never fail to make me think of things so impossible, make me think of things so ridiculous that i've started thinking when i was 18. WHY?!!??!
i wanted so much to tell myself we are just best friends, and nothing more. i want to... just leave this whole episode. really. seriously.
i dunno how many people know or don know im trapped in this whole shit, i guess most people know, and heard it all, knew it all, got tired of what i've got to say, got sick of this whole thing, and im still the only one holding on relentlessly. i made it seem like i've so moved on.. i probably did for the past few months, and gave myself freaking many different choices. but it all ended me in square one.

he told me all the things i don wan to hear, and u never did wan to say those things that i didn't want to hear from him. this time, i'm determined to walk out of this thing, so i'm not going to let it affect me more than this post.

爱爱爱爱了几回
也明白其中滋味
付出的从来不会
等于收回
我却还在等待着谁能出现

**hey friends, i just needed somewhere to vent. to ventilate. i'm probably fine after i posted this thing. soooo... don think i'm emo-ing or something.. i'm always that cheerful one. (:

2008-05-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

愛要耐心等待仔細尋找感覺很重要
寧可空白了手等候一次真心的擁抱
我相信在〔這個〕世界上　
一定會遇到對的人出現〔在眼角〕

一直坚信的想法让我遇见了我也坚信是对的人。。。
让我痛的不是他，而是我还在坚信着。

你说不是所有爱情
都能够酿成一首流行歌
我说不是所有分手
都能够再虚伪的做朋友
反正爱情里头
谁先放弃谁就是第三者
何必重蹈覆辙
爱已经累了无法再负荷
你听了很多你说了很多
你都没有错错在我太寂寞
谁居心叵测谁存心搅和
不必再挑拨 我现在只想撤
Let it go 别再说
Let it go 别挽留

我真的可以吗？我们真的就不可以了吗？

2008-05-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHIN NAN (:

2008-04-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

it's so ridiculous how some people take u as a refugee camp and then HALLUCINATE that u are in love with them. what a shit. please wake up man! i'm freaking taken aback by whatever u are thinking, whatever u said and whatever u might just be hallucinating. it's probably good u patron my blog pretty often, and please red this. specially dedicated to u noy because u are any important person in my life, but PLEASE JUST TAKE NOTE AND BE NOTED THAT, I AM IN THE LEAST INTERESTED IN YOU, AND PLEASE STOP THINKING THAT PEOPLE BEING NICE TO YOU HAS TO LIKE YOU.
i am GENERALLY NICE TO EVERYONE, and i'm sure anyone can verify that.
and by being courteous to reply ur msges and pick up ur phone calls only signal that YOU ARE JUST A FRIEND. for goodness sake u pissed me off by that sms u sent and in case u didn't know, if i like a guy, i'd probably NEVER REJECT ANY OF HIS DATES. and thank goodness i'm able to speak up formyself now that i've NEVER RECIPROCATED TO ANY OF YOUR DATES.
dammit.

sorry people, i'm so super angry because this particular person whom i shall not name him sent me this sms. please be my audience and be my judge. how would anyone feel receiving sucha ridiculous thing.

'haha. we can be very gd fren. i still need alot of time b4 i go for a second love. the 1st love hurt me too deep. i'm sorry. take care :)'

oh what the F?!!?!?! i can never imagine anyone sending me out of the blues! and he was the one who started sms-ing me cos he was out of love. and he WAS a friend and i thought no harm just giving him some words of encouragement.. bla bla.. and then in days to come he kept sms-ing me NON STOP and then so i thought i would reduce the times i reply. and then he kept asking me out and of cos i wouldn't just go out with any tom dick and harry. i'm not trying to be mean but i'm saying the truth. i go out with just that few guy friends i always hang out with, and other than that i just wouldn't. AND THEN HE STARTED TO MSG ME LIKE THREE MEALS A DAY, bla bla bla.. and then he HALLUCINATES! dammit. and u all know what's the most irritating thing!? after he sent that sms, he KEPT SMS-ING NON STOP WITH RUBBISH LIKE:
' had dinner?', ' sorry i'm a very direct person.', 'my dinner was ok. how was urs?', 'what plans u have for tmr?'
ohh.. for goodness sake, just F off!

i'm angry because it sounds like i'm DESPERATE! roars.

anyway, ona happier note, i want to thank xiong lao da alot. for being a sweet friend. i sms-ed him this morning to tell him that i'm quite cash tight and might have problem buying the lee family's birthday presents... surprisingly, he transferred me money and sms-ed me that he transferred 50 for my personal use just in case i needed it, and can return him when i get my pay on the 7th. that's what friends are for (: i'm just grateful for having these friends in my life. like i always said, the guys are jewels of my life that i canot live without and the girls, u know u all are my darlings. needless to say. hee..

anyway, i'm truly looking forward to may cos it's the lee family's birthdays, and it's our annual athering event once again. the steamboat! and yupp, i shall get to see people i haven met since months. loves.

2008-04-23T07:25:00.000-07:00

i like my job, i like my colleagues, i like everything.
sometimes it gets very strenous and tiring.. it's taxing but i'm holding on... for several reasons that keeps running through my mind.
first and foremost, for the hot passion that runs in every drop of my blood.
second of all, for the dreams i live for.
for the philosophy i hold strongly to.
and for another very simple reason, i'm waiting for someone to come back and serve her bond with me (:
this urge to hold on strong is at top notch. though tough and hard... i will persevere every part of it. what more? i have really really nice colleagues, people whom think alike, people whom share the same passion, same dreams, same thoughts. what more can i ask for?
for they are colleagues whom u can really depend on, they will not turn their backs on u, and there's just seriously no reason for any office politics, the job isnt competitive. that's what i like about it all.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNY DARLING!!!

2008-04-20T07:30:00.000-07:00

had a fantastic, fabulous steamboat gathering at jenny's place (:
wonderful.
irreplacable by words, just simply fabulous.
the nostalgia of, 'those were the days...' the saddening of, 'that's the end of our lovely day...' and the hope of, 'more to come...'
yes, in hope for more to come ya people? (:
i hope everyone enjoyed themselves, like i did.
it was good to see people whom i've missed whole loads, and finally meeting up and catching up. it was a totally happy day.
pictures to be up soon!

YEO AH KEE! I MISS U LA CAN?! LUNCH/DINNER WITH ME SOON YOU!
and then i miss ezah like crazyyyyyyy.

2008-04-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

2nd day at work, it was good.
and yes, just the 2nd day i joined them for a wonderful function at meritus mandarin, Social Worker's Day 08. it was an eye opener, as all the social service sector workers come together on a special occasion, and the commemoration of President Nathan's contribution as a social worker was astonishing (:

im starting to get a hang of work, i handled a new case by myself today... i was scared, nervous but i act calm in front of my clients. i think i'm slowly adapting and blending into it. and thankfully i've got nice and really helpful colleagues.
i'm starting to love my job (:

some photos to update (:

2008-04-13T07:15:00.000-07:00

new phase of life starts tomorrow.

2008-04-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

lao da took this from HK while he's on holidays with the guys. hahaah! nice! (:

2008-04-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

i have ugly, disfigured, scarred legs now that i can NEVER wear shorts or skirts ever again :(

2008-04-10T07:46:00.000-07:00

booooohoooo~
i need clothes for work :(
sam was being random and he called just to say he thinks i'm being kidnapped by aliens.
i think so.
what i'm having now seems alienic and weird.
and well, i'm captured at home, doing nothing. it keeps me away from my friends, and i'm feeling lonely cos of this.
indeed, i feel kidnapped.

2008-04-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 22ND BIRTHDAY LIKIM! (:

2008-04-08T01:20:00.000-07:00

on a rainy afternoon like today, yes i am still rotting at home, waiting for my stupid leg to heal. much to my surprise, i'm very very much ok compared to previous weeks (: i will be fine soon.

i don't know where my feelings all came rushing from, it's gushing out, and i'm going to blog them all...
remember probably 10 years ago when i was a12 year old, i left the primary school, thinking i would miss most of my primary school mates, crying and weeping because everyone were going separate ways. and then some kept in contact for a good 10years, but most were even farther than before.. some went overseas, some are so near, yet so far. and some, i probably wouldnt even recognise them now if we were to pass by each other on the streets.

moving the clock slightly 6years ago when we all started seconday school, it was the best times in my life. i met the best people in my life. i had them all kept well, and treasured well.. for they are the best things, best people that can ever happen in my life. i cannot help but think that i will never get the kind of innocent happiness ever again, and i'm quite sure of that. although those were all memories, i'm really glad i had them all kept even till now. the best thing in life now is that they are not just part of my memories, butthey are part of my everyday life.
my friends, u all know who u are, there's no need to specify because u all would know who i'm referring to. yes all u darlings who never fail to be there for me (:

and then there were new relationships, failed relationships. sealed and kept. and then there is no relationship now. which i'm happy enough because i don't see myself in one now or in near times.

and soon i meet more people from jc from poly... and then there were most acquaintances but a few heartfelt ones. and those that we went through thick and thin in Cambodia, those memories hold the friendship really strong. those things we all did together, stupid and funny, high and low... we love them all, we see true friendships then.

and i met a few heart to heart friends from swensens. those that i need not say much about cos they are beyond words. they are just so part of me.

and now it's time to step into the real society for me. i have no idea what to expect, what to be. but i am trying to be an idealistc girl, someone fresh, someone new and ready to purge. it's a first job after graduating, it's my dream job, it's my passion. i want to do it well, and we shall all see when i start. give me luck, give me blessings, give me support. (:

and then i start to picture myself in another few years time... i feel relieved that i see images of familiar faces, because i hope it turns out that way. i dunno if everyone feels the same, but there are some people in my life, that i never want to miss out. that i never want them out of my life...
thinking back of those days we all had small misunderstandings of each other, thinking back those bad times where everything took a change in our friendships, now i want them all rewind. now i know it's not possible to rewind, but i want to play now, and see myself and see them in my life again, and forward it one day, seeing that they are still very well kept and loved in my life.

i must have been thinking too much. emotional girl? no!!!
i'm soooooooooo trapped at home everyday, and i haven seen anyone, any friends for the past i dunno how long. and of cos, i'm really missing alot alot of people.

i could so just imagine myself and thinking back of good old times:
with ezah drinking bubble tea and watching movies at her place
with lixia talking endlessly at some void decks or walking aimlessly through the night just to have heart to heart chats
with yan, xian, jenny.. sitting around at some starbucks drinking caramel macchiato and shaking leg, loving our life
with yingtao eating buffets, shouting out loud at each other, laughing at anything everything
with laoda talking so much about life and philosophy, healthy diets and jogs
with the lee family having steamboat, playing mahjong.. bullying jin lee, and being bullied by jin nan
with the sisters rotting around at cafes, zh's house doing nothing but updating juicy parts of our lives
with my ball shopping, eating, talking, laughing. everything.

my goodness. the list goes on. trust me. i miss, everyone, everything.

2008-04-06T02:24:00.000-07:00

apologies to everyone who reads my blog, i made everyone worried.
i'm feeling better, emotionally.
not as exasperated and not as down, but my condition is half ok half not.
but i will be fine soon. (:
because.... being happy speeds up recovery i supposed? haha..
i will be much better soon, i know, and thanks to everyone for the support, and everything.

hmm, there's especially thanks to my family who are always always there to assure a paranoid and pessismitc girl who thinks she's not going to recover. well, i AM just being paranoid.
thanks to friends who calls/sms almost everydayto make sure i was doing fine (:
especially thanks to sam and cai bao, who will be constantly checking if my leg still looks like a trotter... HAHAHA!

i must also say sorry to people whom i can't keep up with my dates. i cancel my dates with friends for not feeling well. sorry to kim, ulrica who i always put aeroplane for sunday's exercise plans, sorry to yvette for not being able to make another date that we set, sorry to sam whom i put aeroplane MOST OF THE TIMES, and caibao, hahaha, u just gotta wait.
sorry my darling girls, i think i've missed out most parts of ur lives, please update me soon.
sorry darl lixia, i screwed the previous date we set, we shall catch up soon alright??
sorry my sisters and ball, i keep missing out dates.
and sorry to jin lee, lao da for not being to join u all when dated.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, actually i feel bored, dead bored at home, i'm dying of boredness i think. but i have no choice, i have to heal fast.
and i seldom go online now only cos the computer chair is just so not comfortable for me to rest the swollen pig trotter.

i had a therapeutic call from melbourne, it made my day. MUCH brighter! (:

2008-03-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

i always thought i was strong,
i think i was wrong.
cos i realise how vulnerable i am now.
i always thought i smile alot,
i think i was wrong.
cos lately, tears come to me more often than anything else.
yes, i think i have to admit i AM vulnerable, i AM weak, i was just putting up a cheerful front?
maybe, i dunno..
i lost my sunshine smiles,
i cry more often than i eat,
for being impatient with myself,
for being frustrated with myself,
for being irritated with myself,
for being agitated with myself,
for being a troublemaker to others,
for being a burden to others,
for being a troublesome ulcer-ed, sored, swollen, painful faggot.

2008-03-25T10:52:00.001-07:00

boohoo..
Human Development is difficult. i hope for a pass (:

2008-03-24T07:57:00.000-07:00

first and foremost, congratulate me!!!
i've got myself a job at ttsh! yes yes, social work assistant. yes yes, my dream job, and yes yes, my passion. nothing makes me more happier now. (: says cheeseeeee!
(actually as i say cheese im tnking more of chocolates. hahaha!)

but well, i think i cannot eat chocolates for the time being. i'm seriously ill and sick with stupid ulcers, cores and swollen joints and what have i. i went to the doctor on sunday morning, cos i almost fainted in the toilet, and scared the hell outta my mum and sis, and my aunt had to come over to send me to the clinic, and then feeling totally in pain, doctor asked me to go to the polyclinic, which i went this morning to get a referral letter to sgh, and the appointment date is HAHAHA! 29thMAY! imagine im a dying being, and i will die by then lor? but i understand la, everyone is Q0ing to see a specialist. if im urgent i'd walk in a&e (:

i'm now a suspect case of auto immune disease carrier. no worries, it does not pass on, and it is only in me, and i'd be the one who suffers. and i went online to check out on what auto immune diseas is all about, it only happens in women. well, i dunno why but it does. and i have a positive ANA which means to say that my antibodies are higher than my body cells and my own immune system attacks my body. does that sounds complicated? yes, it does. cos the GP told me it's beyond what GPs can do, they can only give me painkillers. paranoid? of cos! as i searched more about it, i realised i'm having more symptoms on this auto immune disease named lupus. and how fantastic, i have almost all the symptoms suggested. oh, the polyclinic doctor told me it's suggestive, but it may not be so don't worry. how can i not worry? i hope i can lead my normal life without painkillers.
i will be fine, at least that's what i kept telling myself.

on a lighter note, i finished my interpersonal skills exam today, cheers! (: well, the killer paper is on wednesday, human development. but i guess, i might do a pass. haha... i have lovely classmates who are always helpful and encouraging.

i have fantastic lovely friends who care alot, making sure i don't take nuts, don't take gluten, which are things that aggravate my conditions. i love my friends. hahahaha. what a corny thing to say, but it's true, i love them all.

i miss some too. (:

2008-03-21T07:35:00.000-07:00

nice pics. lovesssss. you&the donuts! (: hearts.

2008-03-20T20:08:00.000-07:00

the interview went on well, i was glad for my performance, but i have to wait for the results, by next week. i hope it's going to be good news. haha (:
thank you people for all the support, i'm touched.
thanks ezah for ur long distance call, again! twice in a row, consecutively. we have a date this afternoon, so i'm parking my skype name there till u appear! (:

had donuts from donut factory with kee, niceeee (: pictures to be up later when i get from her. thank u u*zh for waiting soooo long for my interview. hee..

it's good friday, it's a public holiday, it's a nothing-to-do day where i slack. but i guess i will do some revision for human development, i hope the paper won't be too difficult.

next week is an exam oriented week. monday - interpersonal skills, tuesday - btt, wednesday - human development. hmmm, good luck my classmates!!! we will all do well, i'm sure of that (: hang on there my dearest!

im missing alot of people!

2008-03-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

pictures taken at sentosa with the usual people (:

the group at vivo.

as usual.

darren lovesss to take candid shots like that. LOL.

nice. (:

been listening alot of schubert's, chopin's, bach's to try to fit into my musical. if anyone has any idea what livelier classical songs are available please let me know? thanks! (:

tmr is the interview. wish me luck. im hoping for the best.

2008-03-18T08:08:00.000-07:00

i talked to ezah on the phone for about an hour this evening!!!
oh my god, talking to her just makes me miss her even moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. hahahaha! but it's okie, because i know we're looking on the same side of the moon, it's just that she gets to see the moon 3 hrs in advance. haha (:

i don't have much to update about my life, it's as stagnant as ever. thursday is an important day for me, a day that might be a milestone that will change my life. haha. i'm going for an interview at ttsh. i hope it gets through well. wish me luck (:

i'm in the midst of rushing an assignment for human development, i'm not optimistic that i can finish on time, but i'll try. (:

ulcers might have irritated me, but i think i'm slowly trying to accept the fact that they are just part of me. how sad to say this but, true enough, it comes to find me more often than anything else. roars.

all i wish for now, is money to drop from the sky. i'm a super broke and cashless being now. help.

2008-03-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

fcuked up ulcers.
fcuked up sores.
fcuked up pains.
fcuked up!

but life goes on...

2008-03-12T09:36:00.000-07:00

new skin, new song. everything new. i like...
the sudden feel to make the skin looks super simple, and brings out the kind of simplicity that makes me feel happy just looking at it. plain but lovely.
it's 12march already.. i've been counting down to this very day, but now that it's almost over, there's really nothing much to this date i kept counting down for... not back, yet. or i think so. when? i don't know.

a scriptwriter; a composer.

ezah, where are you? my personal nurse is away, far far away. NURSE, those auto immune shit is back, and those allergies are attacking! how i wish u were here man! u bet ur presence would have made a difference, ur naggings would have save some pains. hahaha! I hope u're doing fine there, i'm fine.. just that sometimes i wished u were here, so then i got someone to irritate and get irritated. u know, it's been raining elephants and donkeys here that's making me soooo damn sick of the weather, and yes u know i HATE rainy days.
'show me the meaning.. of being lonely.......' hahahaha! im missing u very much girl. we both hang on there, june (: loves.

lixia, i miss u too... where have u been?

and jenny..
and kailin...
and xian...
and lao da...
and zam..
and nan...
and many many more...

and you of cos..where the hell are you? don't disappear away from my life like that, sometimes i feel like my pillars of life are all gone.

i'm going badminton with kee and sam tmr. hope for some good game...
and i'm so hoping my ulcers go away NOW.

2008-03-11T09:03:00.001-07:00

i'm in pain.
ulcers love me.
allergies love me.
fabulous.

2008-03-07T08:09:00.001-08:00

and lately i made a new great friend. not exactly new new, but new in a way as i know more about him. same frequency. same thoughts. same feelings.
instant click. fantastic.
same experiences, same past experiences. same, almost everything.
birthday 3days apart, how awfully coincident to a point we want each other to shut up when it's a common point. hahaha! but still, we click that well, we thought we could be some long lost twins or something. haha!!
i guess sometimes fate plays a great part in us making friends.

watched leap years... nice story, i think. i was a drama mellow mama, i weeped. hahaha. and how true, it isn't the distance or the amount of time that mattered, it's the feelings... that matters most. 'i would wait forever if you would ever come....' nice.
i would change it to my version, 'i would wait forever, if my desired edward would ever come...'
hahahah! ezah, ya?

i've got a job already, finally. jan offered me to help her work on a musical, i have to start from scratch, i have to write scripts, select piano pieces, choose songs, write lyrics, work on the casts, posters, publicising. in short events + a little bit more excitement cos it's something i like to do, it's almost my forte. i like. flexi working hours, reasonable pay... although it may not be permanent, but in the mean time, it helps to kill slacking time (: at least it keeps me working, keeps me moving... and most importantly, i won't be broke...

i'm still waiting for NIE to reply.. please reply.... please.... i'm really really hoping i get this.

'i need to know.. what is wrong with me.. if only someone could tell me what is very wrong with the emotions, the feelings, the heart, the head.. it seems like the wiring has all gone wrong, and out of control.. i always thought i could be very well in control of myself, and i'm very well able to keep emotions in check, suddenly, emotions pass through me like an electric wave. just something slight, and suddenly, i find myself sitting here, thinking of you.'

2008-03-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

let the pictures speak.

06.03.2008 dinner with sisters, yuhong and cedric.

look at how much yuhong and ced ordered!!!

and more!!
that's us...
us at kee's house (:

us...

she's taller, as usual.. all the time...
and ta-da!! im taller.. thanks to her bed.. lols

the toes at shokudu @ raffles city

toes. thanks ethel for the shot (:

max brenner chocolate fondue. JUST LOOK AT IT! yummy-licious
max brenner's choctails... yummy!
that's us.. thanks erika for the shot. haha (:
stop acting cute for goodness sake. hmm, but i like this. LOL.

and i'm not sure what kind of emotions are running through me like mad rush.

2008-03-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

it's sad to suddenly realise there are so many people once so closed to you that u're now missing out so much of their life. it feels torn and it feels blue...
sometimes i just wonder how are they doing, and just sometimes i wonder how did things change so much?
the last time i talked to him, it's probably in december.... and it's march now, 3months just passed by like that.
i guess sometimes, some things, some people.. just drift apart, without any specific or particular reason...
i think that's what we mean by friends come and go..

made new friends all the time, kept some really old and good friends, but there are some who sift through the fingers, slipped away from the memory and life.